Wow. God has shown me alot this week. I have been meaning to update for a few days, but of course it was crazy. It pretty much all started with a tree....our Chrsitmas season started there. We werent going to have a tree last week. This Christmas just wasnt feeling festive to anyone of else and we all were very nervous going in. Nervous that if we unpacked anything that has been away or we started to look for things we couldnt find, it would open a huge box of pain and memories that none of us really wanted to contend with. On top of it all, I have never been a Christmas person. I have never reallly enjoyed it. The shopping, the mess, the busy, all of it seemed nuts to me. I enjoy the family get togthers, love and peace that can be found this time of year. but it seems that more and more people lack the peace part and fall right into the stress part. I cant blame them really. Most people in this day are overworked and under paid..or are paid just right but still have very little self worth for it to be a good thing. Were an age of always seeking and wanting more, bigger and better. Well we think everything will be better. I dare say though that it never really is.
Back to Chirstmas. It started with a tree or perhaps the lack of one...then after having a great night loooking at lights, we decided to get one, a tree. It wasnt going to be a big deal, and we weren t going to decorate it. It was just gonna be a tree in the front room. A fake tree, as we have always had real trees, and I really just didnt want anything from last year to be the same. So friends of ours had one we could borrow and we put it up. It looked alright, a little gloomy I must say. I understand now why we decorate treees. when they sit naked in your front room , them seem to be out of place....as if its wondering why the heck you brought me indoors when your not going to do anything with me. why not just leave me outside. The kids made some funky decorations out of toliet paper rolls. Thats another blog entry in and of itself. the crazy things you can do with toliet paper rolls. There was also some paper rings and things. It added colour I must admit, but still the tree seemed lame. It seemed....sad. But we thought you know what thats just what we are, so thats what we get this year....our tree was just a visual picture of what we were seeing and being inside of our own minds. we were trying to be at peace with that. We were sad, therefore our tree was sad therefore people who came to our house would be sad and would know we were sad. This Christmas was going to be sad. Even when I looked at the tree happy, I would quickly become sad because it reminded me of why there was no decorations. It didnt bring me peace really, it brought more sad. But this is our life now I thought, we have moments of joy but really most things are ....sad.
Then last Sunday , it all changed. Again. What we expected to be a sad holiday over a period of an hour....changed....everything changed again. We went to church like we always do. We sat in our chairs, we worshipped. we sang , we prayed. we cried. I know that I said in my prayers. Lord just get us through. Just please Father, move us through this Christmas....ya ya birth of your son yada yada but um if you dont mind....make it quick.
The sermon was on hope....and once again we sat looking at each other thinking...this was for us. We needed to hear this sermon of hope....we moved our heads in agreement, we said amen...and I concluded....hope , yes thats something I will have...AFTER Christmas. just get through Christmas...then hope will be at the top of my list of things to deal with. But what I forgot was that God doesnt work that way...and God in most cases to teach you lessons doesnt really wait for you to be ready...He just does and waits for your mind to catch up. well sometimes he waits for your mind to catch up.
I stood up and a good friend of mine came up and said, in short ....you might need a box...and are you staying for second service?....not really in that order.....but you get my flow here. I looked confused I am sure, as I am trying to get my head around what she is saying to me. What happened next, as I type this brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. God , through the family of our church, delivered .....hope. He delivered love AND peace . He delivered understanding, care and an immense amount of borrowed strength to get us through the birth of His son without the precense of our own baby daughter. People from our church began to give us packages.....little bags...big bags....wrapped...not wrapped..in envelopes and in tissue paper. We walked out of our church with a box of ornaments. Handmade, store bought, each given to our family as a way to decorate our tree. A way to say....were thinking of you and we love you. In one little turn of events our Christmas changed from one of sadness to one of contentment and love. We rushed home ,a nd started to undo the packages....every single one of them was filled with love and grace....we hung them on our tree and stood back...we all looked at each other....and we smiled....a real smile. We had hope...all of us...in one room at the same time...we had hope. A knowing that now that we knew what it felt like, maybe jsut maybe its a feeling that would visit regularly.....and it has. since that day, things in our house have been different. there is lots of sad....but there is also lots of hope. When I start to feel really down, I look at our tree , and in it I am reminded of not only Gods presence , but also of His grace and His ability to take care of what He loves and what is His. We are sons and daughters of THE KING! we shouldnt forget that and He will take care. If He led you to it , He will lead you through it. He has and He will.
We didnt want to open the ornaments that sit in a layer of dust in a box in the basement because to do that meant to open up last year...and we cant right now. We cant open any boxes in a speed that isnt talked about before hand. Everything at this point is done with deliberate thought and consideration. Unpacking Chrsitmas memories wasnt going to be good for anyone. Instead we were gifted with a tree with new memories. A push down the path into a new normal. A new normal filled with immense amounts of love. When I look at that tree, I know its in celebration of Jesus and His birth but you know I also see OUR birth. I see the start and birth of something new. It hurts....not gonna lie, but its also so incrediably amazing that I cant help but smile. It nmot only changed this Chirstmas for us, but it also has changed my thoughts about Chrsitmas as a whole. It has healed little things inside my heart.
I want to thank everyone who took the time to add a peice of themselves to our tree. Know that God worked through you to help our family. THank you.
Emily-Rose.......Merry Christmas....We love you , our darling baby girl....and know that I am gonna play in some snow this year for you..I am gonna feel the cold. I love you emmy .
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Dear Early Morning
Its been awhile since I have seen your face here in this neck of my woods. I must be honest when I say that I have been enjoying my leisurefull mornings without you. Its been amazing for my soul to lay in my bed, asleep and sometimes awake , untill late morning. Listening, Dreaming, bein still. late morning and me just seem to get along alot better these days then you and I do. It wasnt anything you said or did, its just your cold and dark and make my eyes hurt. After settling in with late morning yesterday though, I decided I needed to spend some more time with you early. becuase with the cold and dark you also get words like productive, quiet and still. I find that when I drink my coffee with you early I seem to get more work done, I seem to get more time in a day that already has to little and my time spent with God seems deeper and unmoved. I wonder though if this is simply a friendship fling and tommorow late and I willl be tight again or if this is something I can stick to ....this thing with me and you. Before Emilys accident...this time with you was also hers. It makes me not so much a fan because of the connection you have with her. early she loved you more then any other, and definitly deeper then I will ever be able to. It makes you also have words like sad, fear, lonley. I am not sure I want to get back to this "normal" early morning. But without you early, things just dont seem to get done. without you early, "normal" things are left unclaimed, unfinished, empty. yet with you early, what use to be moments of joy, feel lonely and disconnected.
Dearest early morning, be gentle with my body and ease softly with my soul. I will try and learn to love you again, but if I dont.....the guilt would be nice left unsaid. my alarm beeps in the stillness and I wonder why I am even attempting a relationship with you early. I really seem to think its a waste of time in most moments. But then I remind myself that after I spend a little more time with you, after I enjoy your company for what it is ....you will feel better to not see late so much. Maybe.
Sincerly
Sarah
Dearest early morning, be gentle with my body and ease softly with my soul. I will try and learn to love you again, but if I dont.....the guilt would be nice left unsaid. my alarm beeps in the stillness and I wonder why I am even attempting a relationship with you early. I really seem to think its a waste of time in most moments. But then I remind myself that after I spend a little more time with you, after I enjoy your company for what it is ....you will feel better to not see late so much. Maybe.
Sincerly
Sarah
Thursday, 29 November 2012
New shoes and 180 days.
Hm Wow...God works in ways that one can never be sure of. In fact, pretty much I have found that if you expect something , the opposite is bound to happen. This morning was another one of those mornings. I come with it here, because here is where I have been working through some of my stuff. Here is where God has given me a place to make some things more clear. I have discovered that writing is a tool of healing for me. I am trying to embrace it, even when sometimes it comes through tears and inability to see what I am writing because of those tears. Anyway...
I have been having a lot of issues sleeping.
If I am honest, which I am going to be, I have always had a huge issue with sleep. Before Emilys accident I was often wondering the house 2, 3 , 4 am. Just unable to get my mind to rest. If something happened through the day that I was unsure of , or that hurt me , harmed me or even made my happy. My brain would welcome it at night. Now I have no problem getting tired. I am tired alot..lol. no problem going into bed..love my bed. My problem is getting to sleep and staying asleep. If getting to sleep goes well at first , then most nights and some time I will wake and wont be able to get back to sleep. even though my eyes burn from being so tired. I just cannot shut off my brain , I think to much I guess. I roll things over , and over and over. On top of the sleeping issues I haev , my husband has equal sleeping problems. The huge difference there though is that his sleep problems effect only me, his snoring, and he hardly notices the fact that he does it...so in fact, he doesn't have a problem at all. I do. If I am having a good night and actually feeling my body roll into sleep, just about the time I fade into sleeping bliss...the snoring starts. wakes me up and I start the process of settling my brain all over again. I am not sure why I brought this up, other then for the fact that since Emily-Roses death my sleeping issues are worse. I now not only cant turn off my brain from thinking, I also in the silence of the night cant help but look for her. I dont mean in the sence of hide and seek. I am not going mental in that way. But I mean in my mind. I am constantly reliving moments with her, good and bad, so that I never forget who and where she was . To remember every night that she really was here. It doesn't make for a good sleep as I am sure you can imagine. Alas my sleeping issues have really nothing to do with what God had me working through this morning. But I guess in part its part of the story. My story.
We are a homeschooling family, been so for 15 years. We love it. With its challenges and rewards. Both of which are present. But really I would choose no other life. I love the chance it gives me to connect not only with each of my children but also with myself and my husband. I love it. It gi ves us a chance to really get to know our children and to watch them grow and explore things that if they were in public school we would have missed . It is a perfect fit with my family. I am thankful for it. Homeschooling is part of our 'normal" day to day life. Its part of who we are, before emmy died and even now....after.
However this morning , where this story begins and what God has driven home for me today is my definition of normal . My definition of where and what I should be right now....today after almost 4 months of burying our child.
I have been in such a rush to get back to normal, that I have missed a few lessons that God had for me along the way. He hasn't made them known yet, but He has started the process.
When a child dies, welll when anyone dies but especially someone young, I have realised that no one knows exactly what to say to you.They cant say their in a better place, even though they are, because really a healthy 2 year olds world in a loving family wasnt that bad. They cant say its a blessing. They cant say that its all part of the cycle, though it is. Everything you have leaned to say at times of death, just dont seem to fit when its a baby. A little tiny bundle who hasnt come out of the blessing phase. When children are born we say, oh what a blessing, but what do you say when only 2 years ago something called a blessing is dead. something that was and is a blessing is gone. There is nothing to say. As much as there is nothing to say , there is also nothing to do. There is nothing that I nor you can do to take away the pain, that's Gods work, and were fooling ourselves if we think we can fix it. We cant . Only God can do that , and he does, in his time , with his look and his grace. We only have to have patience and wait on it . It will come.
I was so eager to get back to normal. To have a cleaned house. Even a few days ago I was sitting here wondering , how do I get a clean house, why wont my house stay clean. Why wont my kids clean up after themselves? Why are things always so dirty? I was really letting these thoughts take over everything . What does my new life look like? how do we act now? how do we homeschool? what do I do with my free time? Are my kids adjusting, quick get the chore charts running. I need to lose weight. I need to look the part, together. I need to be peace. How do get my life back together, in order ....get order in the house...order means together...order means were ok. Knowing what to expect is safe. Safe means that I never really have to deal with the fact that in this big full house....were all empty. If I dont have to acknowledge that were broken, if everything is functioning and is "normal" then I dont really have to truly acknowledge that fact that my daughter is dead. Their sister is dead. Their granddaughter is dead. Emily-Rose is gone, away. She will never be here , in this place....again.
If I am busy getting normal right, I don't have to think about the fact that I never had normal to begin with. If I am busy being busy, then I don't need to ever really feel what quiet is without a toddler running around. I am not ready to not have a toddler around. Be busy...fill your life...get back to normal. God pointed out to me this morning, that getting back to "normal" is not normal.
Emily-Rose dying is not normal. no one has the words to say because there are no words to say. I was trying to get to something that I needed to step far away from. I was fighting against a grain to accomplish something that was not fit to accomplish....yet. It feels like when your wearing shoes that are too big for you, or pants that are to long. You put them on, and you could make everything look alright in certain light or directions, but as soon as you walk...you call. you trip and it hurts...but ...you can get back up , pull the shoes, the pants back on and try again. The funny thing about God is that he doesn't stop you falling on your face, but he does help you back up so that you can choose to try again in the same shoes and walk slower , or get smaller shoes.
I dont really have the choose to get smaller shoes. These shoes, though I wouldn't choose the size, were gifted to me from a Father so amazing that I cant possibly give them back. Plus they didn't come with a gift receipt, I asked for one and was declined, so I am stuck with my shoes. so are you. Maybe your shoes are bigger then what you would like, or smaller...but their yours. We have to figure out how to walk in the shoes we have, not in the shoes we want. I dont want these shoes, and I certainly wouldn't give them to anyone else either...but their mine.
I have realised that its not about getting "back to normal" . My normal isnt the same as what it was, it will never be like it was. I dont think its about being normal anyway, its about living today like its your last day and letting God lead you in the direction that he sees fit on THAT day. As THAT moment passes. The day we are born, we all begin to die. We are all dying, how are you living as a dying person? I have realised that in my rush to get back to normal, I just keep trying to walk in shoes that are to big. I have been trying to walk in shoes to big for a long time now....years perhaps....emmys death only made my shoes bigger and the fall harder. God keeps picking me up, and brushing off the bruises, but really I think I would rather not fall so much. I would rather learn to walk in these new shoes I was given.
My mission and task is simple. I am taking 180 days. I am taking 180 days figuring out how to walk in my new shoes. Will it be all better at the end? no probably not. Will I still fall? I hope so cuz its when I am down on my knees I learn the most. But maybe, just maybe, I will fall less and see more. shuffle less and step out more. Be less normal and more myself. My family and I are taking 180 days to learn , to heal, to be together, to walk the walk, to write, to read, to run, to dance, to cry, to laugh , to wander around at 2am and sleep till noon. To be closer to God and to be open to listening to him and be with him in whatever capacity he meets us in. 180 days to do whatever it is were pulled to do to heal and to see . We wont be having formal school, were not going to have the charts....were just gonna live and see where God takes us. See if we can see what our new shoes look like through Gods eyes. Trusting that He will bring us through...His grace , His peace, His walk is enough...
Blessings you all, hold on tight. Were commiting 180 days to living and see where we end up.
Sarah
I have been having a lot of issues sleeping.
If I am honest, which I am going to be, I have always had a huge issue with sleep. Before Emilys accident I was often wondering the house 2, 3 , 4 am. Just unable to get my mind to rest. If something happened through the day that I was unsure of , or that hurt me , harmed me or even made my happy. My brain would welcome it at night. Now I have no problem getting tired. I am tired alot..lol. no problem going into bed..love my bed. My problem is getting to sleep and staying asleep. If getting to sleep goes well at first , then most nights and some time I will wake and wont be able to get back to sleep. even though my eyes burn from being so tired. I just cannot shut off my brain , I think to much I guess. I roll things over , and over and over. On top of the sleeping issues I haev , my husband has equal sleeping problems. The huge difference there though is that his sleep problems effect only me, his snoring, and he hardly notices the fact that he does it...so in fact, he doesn't have a problem at all. I do. If I am having a good night and actually feeling my body roll into sleep, just about the time I fade into sleeping bliss...the snoring starts. wakes me up and I start the process of settling my brain all over again. I am not sure why I brought this up, other then for the fact that since Emily-Roses death my sleeping issues are worse. I now not only cant turn off my brain from thinking, I also in the silence of the night cant help but look for her. I dont mean in the sence of hide and seek. I am not going mental in that way. But I mean in my mind. I am constantly reliving moments with her, good and bad, so that I never forget who and where she was . To remember every night that she really was here. It doesn't make for a good sleep as I am sure you can imagine. Alas my sleeping issues have really nothing to do with what God had me working through this morning. But I guess in part its part of the story. My story.
We are a homeschooling family, been so for 15 years. We love it. With its challenges and rewards. Both of which are present. But really I would choose no other life. I love the chance it gives me to connect not only with each of my children but also with myself and my husband. I love it. It gi ves us a chance to really get to know our children and to watch them grow and explore things that if they were in public school we would have missed . It is a perfect fit with my family. I am thankful for it. Homeschooling is part of our 'normal" day to day life. Its part of who we are, before emmy died and even now....after.
However this morning , where this story begins and what God has driven home for me today is my definition of normal . My definition of where and what I should be right now....today after almost 4 months of burying our child.
I have been in such a rush to get back to normal, that I have missed a few lessons that God had for me along the way. He hasn't made them known yet, but He has started the process.
When a child dies, welll when anyone dies but especially someone young, I have realised that no one knows exactly what to say to you.They cant say their in a better place, even though they are, because really a healthy 2 year olds world in a loving family wasnt that bad. They cant say its a blessing. They cant say that its all part of the cycle, though it is. Everything you have leaned to say at times of death, just dont seem to fit when its a baby. A little tiny bundle who hasnt come out of the blessing phase. When children are born we say, oh what a blessing, but what do you say when only 2 years ago something called a blessing is dead. something that was and is a blessing is gone. There is nothing to say. As much as there is nothing to say , there is also nothing to do. There is nothing that I nor you can do to take away the pain, that's Gods work, and were fooling ourselves if we think we can fix it. We cant . Only God can do that , and he does, in his time , with his look and his grace. We only have to have patience and wait on it . It will come.
I was so eager to get back to normal. To have a cleaned house. Even a few days ago I was sitting here wondering , how do I get a clean house, why wont my house stay clean. Why wont my kids clean up after themselves? Why are things always so dirty? I was really letting these thoughts take over everything . What does my new life look like? how do we act now? how do we homeschool? what do I do with my free time? Are my kids adjusting, quick get the chore charts running. I need to lose weight. I need to look the part, together. I need to be peace. How do get my life back together, in order ....get order in the house...order means together...order means were ok. Knowing what to expect is safe. Safe means that I never really have to deal with the fact that in this big full house....were all empty. If I dont have to acknowledge that were broken, if everything is functioning and is "normal" then I dont really have to truly acknowledge that fact that my daughter is dead. Their sister is dead. Their granddaughter is dead. Emily-Rose is gone, away. She will never be here , in this place....again.
If I am busy getting normal right, I don't have to think about the fact that I never had normal to begin with. If I am busy being busy, then I don't need to ever really feel what quiet is without a toddler running around. I am not ready to not have a toddler around. Be busy...fill your life...get back to normal. God pointed out to me this morning, that getting back to "normal" is not normal.
Emily-Rose dying is not normal. no one has the words to say because there are no words to say. I was trying to get to something that I needed to step far away from. I was fighting against a grain to accomplish something that was not fit to accomplish....yet. It feels like when your wearing shoes that are too big for you, or pants that are to long. You put them on, and you could make everything look alright in certain light or directions, but as soon as you walk...you call. you trip and it hurts...but ...you can get back up , pull the shoes, the pants back on and try again. The funny thing about God is that he doesn't stop you falling on your face, but he does help you back up so that you can choose to try again in the same shoes and walk slower , or get smaller shoes.
I dont really have the choose to get smaller shoes. These shoes, though I wouldn't choose the size, were gifted to me from a Father so amazing that I cant possibly give them back. Plus they didn't come with a gift receipt, I asked for one and was declined, so I am stuck with my shoes. so are you. Maybe your shoes are bigger then what you would like, or smaller...but their yours. We have to figure out how to walk in the shoes we have, not in the shoes we want. I dont want these shoes, and I certainly wouldn't give them to anyone else either...but their mine.
I have realised that its not about getting "back to normal" . My normal isnt the same as what it was, it will never be like it was. I dont think its about being normal anyway, its about living today like its your last day and letting God lead you in the direction that he sees fit on THAT day. As THAT moment passes. The day we are born, we all begin to die. We are all dying, how are you living as a dying person? I have realised that in my rush to get back to normal, I just keep trying to walk in shoes that are to big. I have been trying to walk in shoes to big for a long time now....years perhaps....emmys death only made my shoes bigger and the fall harder. God keeps picking me up, and brushing off the bruises, but really I think I would rather not fall so much. I would rather learn to walk in these new shoes I was given.
My mission and task is simple. I am taking 180 days. I am taking 180 days figuring out how to walk in my new shoes. Will it be all better at the end? no probably not. Will I still fall? I hope so cuz its when I am down on my knees I learn the most. But maybe, just maybe, I will fall less and see more. shuffle less and step out more. Be less normal and more myself. My family and I are taking 180 days to learn , to heal, to be together, to walk the walk, to write, to read, to run, to dance, to cry, to laugh , to wander around at 2am and sleep till noon. To be closer to God and to be open to listening to him and be with him in whatever capacity he meets us in. 180 days to do whatever it is were pulled to do to heal and to see . We wont be having formal school, were not going to have the charts....were just gonna live and see where God takes us. See if we can see what our new shoes look like through Gods eyes. Trusting that He will bring us through...His grace , His peace, His walk is enough...
Blessings you all, hold on tight. Were commiting 180 days to living and see where we end up.
Sarah
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
The First snow fall and the cleaning of the closet
The cleaning of the closet. When I think of this term I will be honest my head goes right to an old enieniem song. I don't think that's spelt right, but I am not even going to bother looking it up. That song, as well as many others are little tidbits of things that I wish I could just see gone away from my past. But unfortunately once some things are seen or heard they can not be unheard. Lots of things , habits and the like , can be unlearn ed, but there is something about our minds that really stick to images. Once their in there, they dont seem to go away. Even though I want the song and the words this very white very trashy rapper uses to describe things within the song to leave my thought processes. The content and the meaning I don't really want to. Because today as I "cleaned out my closet" alot of his truths rang true with my truths. You see the closet I choose to clean up or out today was our winter closet...now this thing has been sitting among itself for almost a year...actually probably a year to the week because it only contains things like jackets, mitts, leggings...you know the things that one only uses in the winter hence the name winter closet. I started this process today because the winter closet in our home is situated right off wht we call the fire room. Now this is not a room of sin or brimstone, it is cleverly named fire room because this is where we have our woodstove that heats our entire home. We have yet the need to clean this room out as of yet because we haven't had a need for a fire, nor the time to clean out the room. Today was the day. It was a daunting task , I gotta say, but something that just had to be done. I looked into this room from the stairs and I must admit I groaned. It has been the catch all room for almost a year. It has caught dishes we don't need, clothes that are tooo small , computer games we don't use and even sleeping bags. Not sure where some of the things came from, but alas they were there. I even found half a broken floor fan underneath the rubble but that's another story.
I started to pull apart things and about 10 mins in , I realised that this was going to be harder then I thought. Not because the work load was bigger, but because this cleaning out of this closet was littered with Emily-Roses belongings. First sitting outside the door as if it was placed there on purpose was her teddy bear...well truth be told its Ashleighs teddy, but Emily hijacked it shortly after Ashleigh received it because when you press the hand it laughs. I press the hand and my eyes well up. Its almost as if the bear no longer giggles like the bear use to...high pitched annoying cry...instead it sounds very close to what I remember Emilys laugh to be., sweet and right from the tummy. I feel my eyes well up as I turn it over and look at the tag. Emily- Rose had a thing for tags. It didn't really matter what the stuffy looked like , as long as there was a tag. This tag on this bear is stiff. stiff from her. She would softly pull it between her fingers. This tag on this bear is laced with old chocolate. I softly laugh as tears run down my face and I allow my mind to go to THAT place...you know the, I wonder what shes doing now place, and I wonder when she touched this last place. I try to stay away from those places....most of the time. Today..I decided...well were cleaning out the closet. I call up to Ash and ask her if she wants it ,the bear...she comes down and I see her look to me and then to it. "Its not really my bear anymore" . I think for a min and ask, "well maybe I can wash it?" I toss it to my oldest daughter. her reply simply. "You cant really wash it , I like it dirty and this kind of dirt doesn't really come out" . She took that bear in her arms and she went upstairs. I stood watching her , and thought , this kind of dirt doesn't really come out... you know shes right. No amount of anything would take the feelings that that bear holds for her, for me, and for Emily-Rose. We'll just leave it dirty.Ash doesn't see the dirt anyway , she sees so many other things now, though once when Emmy was still her she complained about the dirt. She saw the dirt for dirt and not for what it really was . From now on we'll just embrace the dirt , and understand it for what it is.. Its alot like that with alot of things . Our dirt though sometimes looks bad, and stained and dishevelled and even sometimes smelly. It really makes us who we are. We are our dirt. We are where we came from , not just where we are going. When I look at that bear , I don't see dirt now. I see Emily-Rose rubbing that tag between her tiny little fingers, I see her pushing that hand and giggling cuz it giggled, I see chocolate, something she loved immensely. I see how much I miss my little girl. I feel how empty my arms feel every day, without her in them. I don't see dirt , I see many hours spent in bliss. I see a companion that stayed with her through the night and cuddled her when I wasn't there. I see bits of who Emily-Rose was here on this earth and I long for it. I ache for it
I sit for a min and feel it. I feel the loss and I think dare I open the closet? I mean really. When you start on something like this, are you able to hold up the white flag, and say whooaaaa....Can you stop once you start? I shake my head and stand....I open the door and I start to clean. I pull out all sortf of things that have gathered there. I pull out belongings that dont know what happened. They were put there when we were a whole family. These coats were put there when Emily -rose was here to help. Shes not now and it feels empty. I come across her little mitts, her toque that was too big last year but would have been perfect this year...her little snowpants...She never got to play in the snow. Last year she was so small that we would walk around the property, but she didn't play in it. I wanted to see her play in snow. Last year I was so excited for this year , that I forgot to respect and see last year. Last year when I was sitting out in the snow with her instead of enjoying that moment , I was saying "this is fun but you just wait till next year when you can actually play". Next year didn't come. . I regret not just being present last year in last year.
Its painful, I wont lie. It hurts. When I am pulling this all apart...as I sit here now. I stand before you tear stained and hurting. I am hurting. Life is not rainbows and love for me at moments like these when all you really want is one more moment . one more moment to show someone who is no longer that they will be yours forever. But in this moment that's not possible. In this moment we have to find comfort in the loss. We have to know that what we think is ours isnt. Nothing is really ours, were gifted them for a moment....but really? their not ours. Our children, our home, our life...everyone and everything among us is a gift , a gift that is given and can be taken away. I hold her mitt and I breath it in , I cherish that emily-rose was part of one of my moments, That I was given even a chance to embrace her. If God had said last winter that this is your last winter with her, I would take it. Anything , everything, I would take it. I would say ok, and I would carry on. I suppose that's why people say live for today, you never do know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know when people are going to die, but I also don't want to live like there is always tomorrow. There isn't.
I hold her mitt and think , yep I would have had to buy her new ones. Her hand is definitely bigger. I would buy her pink ones though, cuz pink was her favourite colour.She didn't much like purple.
I put the mitts in the bag, along with so many other things and I think you know this is all loss. Its not the same but its loss. I am putting clothing in the bag from last winter that was my other childrens. They have grown too. Their no longer babies, they are bigger and have grown away from me as well. They are still present, I can still hold them and feel their warmth, but their not who they use to be. Maybe its all the same . I cant hold Emmy right now, but shes with me, shes a part of this family and one day I will see her again , face to face. Emily-Rose has just grown a little quicker then my other children. She has moved on to bigger , better things. She is not gone , she is away. I imagine for a second that God sees us in this way as well. We are His children and though he cannot touch us in the same way as our earthly Father, he stilll loves us and cares for us and looks forward to the day that he too will be able to touch us. He comforts us in so many ways, but I imagine Him longing for a hug.
I continue to clean out the closet, dust balls flying, emotions dripping from cuts that aren't quite healed .and probably never will be and I am thankful. I am thankful for a closet full of coats and warmth , I am thankful that I am a mother . I am thankful for little mitts and teddy bears with belly laughs. I am thankful for the absence of fear.
"God is our refuge and strength , an ever present help in trouble . Therefore we will not fear" - psalm 46:1
Even here , in this place, I am comforted.
As I finished the closet and got everything put away nicely, and made a mental list of all the things I had left to get the kids ready for winter. I hear a squeal of delight from upstairs.
"MOMOMMOMOMMOM MOMMMMMMMMMMMM. You never believe what is happening?!"
I run upstairs to look out my front window, and there the snow of a new season starts to fall and blow. Our first real snowfall. Beautiful. Its coming down just as I finish putting together pairs of coats with snowpants and th e kids are screaming "can we can we can we". I say "absolutely , in the CLEANED winter closet, all your things are laid out". I look out the window as my joy filled children run amongst the flakes, and I think wow....you know cleaning out that closet sucked. It hurt , it pulled...BUT...it got the things ready for them and for me to go play amongst the flakes. So worth it. This journey ..hurts...it sucks...it plugs your nose with crap...BUT its worth it, because at the end of the day...we have a God of love. Everything from Him is from love, and he will not let us fall. Awesome. So ya I cleaned out my closet, but I certainly didnt say any f words or grahb my crotch AND it still got done!
I started to pull apart things and about 10 mins in , I realised that this was going to be harder then I thought. Not because the work load was bigger, but because this cleaning out of this closet was littered with Emily-Roses belongings. First sitting outside the door as if it was placed there on purpose was her teddy bear...well truth be told its Ashleighs teddy, but Emily hijacked it shortly after Ashleigh received it because when you press the hand it laughs. I press the hand and my eyes well up. Its almost as if the bear no longer giggles like the bear use to...high pitched annoying cry...instead it sounds very close to what I remember Emilys laugh to be., sweet and right from the tummy. I feel my eyes well up as I turn it over and look at the tag. Emily- Rose had a thing for tags. It didn't really matter what the stuffy looked like , as long as there was a tag. This tag on this bear is stiff. stiff from her. She would softly pull it between her fingers. This tag on this bear is laced with old chocolate. I softly laugh as tears run down my face and I allow my mind to go to THAT place...you know the, I wonder what shes doing now place, and I wonder when she touched this last place. I try to stay away from those places....most of the time. Today..I decided...well were cleaning out the closet. I call up to Ash and ask her if she wants it ,the bear...she comes down and I see her look to me and then to it. "Its not really my bear anymore" . I think for a min and ask, "well maybe I can wash it?" I toss it to my oldest daughter. her reply simply. "You cant really wash it , I like it dirty and this kind of dirt doesn't really come out" . She took that bear in her arms and she went upstairs. I stood watching her , and thought , this kind of dirt doesn't really come out... you know shes right. No amount of anything would take the feelings that that bear holds for her, for me, and for Emily-Rose. We'll just leave it dirty.Ash doesn't see the dirt anyway , she sees so many other things now, though once when Emmy was still her she complained about the dirt. She saw the dirt for dirt and not for what it really was . From now on we'll just embrace the dirt , and understand it for what it is.. Its alot like that with alot of things . Our dirt though sometimes looks bad, and stained and dishevelled and even sometimes smelly. It really makes us who we are. We are our dirt. We are where we came from , not just where we are going. When I look at that bear , I don't see dirt now. I see Emily-Rose rubbing that tag between her tiny little fingers, I see her pushing that hand and giggling cuz it giggled, I see chocolate, something she loved immensely. I see how much I miss my little girl. I feel how empty my arms feel every day, without her in them. I don't see dirt , I see many hours spent in bliss. I see a companion that stayed with her through the night and cuddled her when I wasn't there. I see bits of who Emily-Rose was here on this earth and I long for it. I ache for it
I sit for a min and feel it. I feel the loss and I think dare I open the closet? I mean really. When you start on something like this, are you able to hold up the white flag, and say whooaaaa....Can you stop once you start? I shake my head and stand....I open the door and I start to clean. I pull out all sortf of things that have gathered there. I pull out belongings that dont know what happened. They were put there when we were a whole family. These coats were put there when Emily -rose was here to help. Shes not now and it feels empty. I come across her little mitts, her toque that was too big last year but would have been perfect this year...her little snowpants...She never got to play in the snow. Last year she was so small that we would walk around the property, but she didn't play in it. I wanted to see her play in snow. Last year I was so excited for this year , that I forgot to respect and see last year. Last year when I was sitting out in the snow with her instead of enjoying that moment , I was saying "this is fun but you just wait till next year when you can actually play". Next year didn't come. . I regret not just being present last year in last year.
Its painful, I wont lie. It hurts. When I am pulling this all apart...as I sit here now. I stand before you tear stained and hurting. I am hurting. Life is not rainbows and love for me at moments like these when all you really want is one more moment . one more moment to show someone who is no longer that they will be yours forever. But in this moment that's not possible. In this moment we have to find comfort in the loss. We have to know that what we think is ours isnt. Nothing is really ours, were gifted them for a moment....but really? their not ours. Our children, our home, our life...everyone and everything among us is a gift , a gift that is given and can be taken away. I hold her mitt and I breath it in , I cherish that emily-rose was part of one of my moments, That I was given even a chance to embrace her. If God had said last winter that this is your last winter with her, I would take it. Anything , everything, I would take it. I would say ok, and I would carry on. I suppose that's why people say live for today, you never do know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know when people are going to die, but I also don't want to live like there is always tomorrow. There isn't.
I hold her mitt and think , yep I would have had to buy her new ones. Her hand is definitely bigger. I would buy her pink ones though, cuz pink was her favourite colour.She didn't much like purple.
I put the mitts in the bag, along with so many other things and I think you know this is all loss. Its not the same but its loss. I am putting clothing in the bag from last winter that was my other childrens. They have grown too. Their no longer babies, they are bigger and have grown away from me as well. They are still present, I can still hold them and feel their warmth, but their not who they use to be. Maybe its all the same . I cant hold Emmy right now, but shes with me, shes a part of this family and one day I will see her again , face to face. Emily-Rose has just grown a little quicker then my other children. She has moved on to bigger , better things. She is not gone , she is away. I imagine for a second that God sees us in this way as well. We are His children and though he cannot touch us in the same way as our earthly Father, he stilll loves us and cares for us and looks forward to the day that he too will be able to touch us. He comforts us in so many ways, but I imagine Him longing for a hug.
I continue to clean out the closet, dust balls flying, emotions dripping from cuts that aren't quite healed .and probably never will be and I am thankful. I am thankful for a closet full of coats and warmth , I am thankful that I am a mother . I am thankful for little mitts and teddy bears with belly laughs. I am thankful for the absence of fear.
"God is our refuge and strength , an ever present help in trouble . Therefore we will not fear" - psalm 46:1
Even here , in this place, I am comforted.
As I finished the closet and got everything put away nicely, and made a mental list of all the things I had left to get the kids ready for winter. I hear a squeal of delight from upstairs.
"MOMOMMOMOMMOM MOMMMMMMMMMMMM. You never believe what is happening?!"
I run upstairs to look out my front window, and there the snow of a new season starts to fall and blow. Our first real snowfall. Beautiful. Its coming down just as I finish putting together pairs of coats with snowpants and th e kids are screaming "can we can we can we". I say "absolutely , in the CLEANED winter closet, all your things are laid out". I look out the window as my joy filled children run amongst the flakes, and I think wow....you know cleaning out that closet sucked. It hurt , it pulled...BUT...it got the things ready for them and for me to go play amongst the flakes. So worth it. This journey ..hurts...it sucks...it plugs your nose with crap...BUT its worth it, because at the end of the day...we have a God of love. Everything from Him is from love, and he will not let us fall. Awesome. So ya I cleaned out my closet, but I certainly didnt say any f words or grahb my crotch AND it still got done!
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Contentment
What does it mean to BE content?
Phil 4:11 -12
Not that I am speaking of being in need , for I have learned that in whatever situation I am to be content. I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger , abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
I read this and I notice something...as God often does. I have learned. I have learned to be content and satisfied. Which makes me think that perhaps as a fallen people, filled with sin, being satisfied and content is not a natural state of being. They are rather a gift that needs to be LEARNED. Contentment is not something that just happens. It isnt something that you wake up to and it remains...No second guessing. I do think that it is something that needs to be worked towards, making conscious choices towards contentment rather then constantly chasing a state of bliss that none of us were promised. We need to realize that contentment and satisfaction cannot be obtained outside of Gods grace and forgiveness. It is only through Him that these things can be found. Paul said for I have LEARNED in whatever situation I am to be content. I have LEARNED the secret of facing plenty and hunger , abundance and need. I have LEARNED. He also concludes however that "I can do all things through Him who strengthens". Being content in all things regardless of the situation God has placed you in at this given time, you will need strength, but you too can learn to be there. To be content and present in this moment. This one. Regardless of what that looks like. WIth the grace of God, Him who gives us strength, all things can be accomplished.
Paul says in EVERY situation. Every , not some , not maybe , not perhaps....EVERY. Not just whens things look bright and comfortable, but also in gloom, sadness, stress and pain. I would argue that it is in the harder times, that you see seek contentment in a bigger way. It is on those times that you will learn the most when you step off the comfort step and into real healing. There are NO situations that warrant us not trying to be in the moment. There are no things that warrant our distress really...truly....In all things , in every situation, show contentment. Its very easy for most to show pleasure and contentment , to be pleasure and contentment in times of quiet, but what about in the eye of your storm. What about then?
I say most, because there are some people that even when times are great, they cannot see anything but what they are lacking. When we do this , we are not only doing ourselves a disservice, but we are falling out of line with where God can take us. We are putting boundaries up around Gods grace and are unable to fully see and realise all the blessings that God has in store for us. Some of us at one time or another in our lives, even when things are going really well , we are constantly seeking. Trying to find the next things that will "make me happy". I dare so though friends, that nothing outside God will do this for you. We will never find contentment and happiness outside of our Holy Father.
" Keep your life free from love of money and be content with what you have for he has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you so we can confidently say . The Lord is my helper , I will not fear, what can man do to me " Hebrews 13:5 . If we think about what the basics of contentment truly are, one word that pops into my head is trust. Its about trusting that our Lord , our God, our Father will get us through. No matter where we are or what we have been through, He will get us through. Whereever you are in your life at this given moment, remember God put you there. You were gifted this moment and he walked you to it. Why in the world would he not want to walk you not only to it, but THROUGH it?
As God has put here, he can also take you out. As sure as you are present, you can be taken away. If you believe and trust in God, a God of love and grace, trust and forgiveness, how then can you not be content? How can you trust and at the same time be discontent with where God has put you, because really wherever you are right now, doing whatever it is your doing is a gift. The very essence of your breath and your eyes being open is a gift. Be content .
Proverbs 3:5 says" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." Just be in the moment and trust Him, seek understanding of HIs word in reference to where he wants you today , not where he wants your neighbour or even your spouse..you...and then accept it for what it is and what it looks like to you as a gift, giving gratitude for it with prayer and thanksgiving. Feel blessed for the moment you have for however long you have it. Regardless of the circumstance, it came from God. If right now, its a moment of gloom for you and finding thanks is hard. Being filled with contentment feels useless, then in that moment till you can see the gift of sorrow, be thankful that you do not walk alone. Be content in knowing that this walk, even in pain , is one that is not walked alone.
Heavenly Father I thank you ...I thank you for all gifts, the big ones , the small ones, the joy , the pain. I thank you for them all. I pray Lord that you let my eyes see, that you open them to contentment. Please let my heart be filled with the joy of contentment regardless of circumstance. Help me to learn Father God to be present , in this moment and to feel whatever needs to be felt . Let me see joy in the tears, and replace misgiving with gratitude. Great Father, the true I am , I pray for all people to see you with eyes wide open and with every new breath taken, to be thankful for ever just that breath. You are a God of trust and forgiveness. You are a God of acceptance. You take us as we are. Let us please take you as you are and where you have placed us in this breath. In your name we pray. Amen.
Phil 4:11 -12
Not that I am speaking of being in need , for I have learned that in whatever situation I am to be content. I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger , abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
I read this and I notice something...as God often does. I have learned. I have learned to be content and satisfied. Which makes me think that perhaps as a fallen people, filled with sin, being satisfied and content is not a natural state of being. They are rather a gift that needs to be LEARNED. Contentment is not something that just happens. It isnt something that you wake up to and it remains...No second guessing. I do think that it is something that needs to be worked towards, making conscious choices towards contentment rather then constantly chasing a state of bliss that none of us were promised. We need to realize that contentment and satisfaction cannot be obtained outside of Gods grace and forgiveness. It is only through Him that these things can be found. Paul said for I have LEARNED in whatever situation I am to be content. I have LEARNED the secret of facing plenty and hunger , abundance and need. I have LEARNED. He also concludes however that "I can do all things through Him who strengthens". Being content in all things regardless of the situation God has placed you in at this given time, you will need strength, but you too can learn to be there. To be content and present in this moment. This one. Regardless of what that looks like. WIth the grace of God, Him who gives us strength, all things can be accomplished.
Paul says in EVERY situation. Every , not some , not maybe , not perhaps....EVERY. Not just whens things look bright and comfortable, but also in gloom, sadness, stress and pain. I would argue that it is in the harder times, that you see seek contentment in a bigger way. It is on those times that you will learn the most when you step off the comfort step and into real healing. There are NO situations that warrant us not trying to be in the moment. There are no things that warrant our distress really...truly....In all things , in every situation, show contentment. Its very easy for most to show pleasure and contentment , to be pleasure and contentment in times of quiet, but what about in the eye of your storm. What about then?
I say most, because there are some people that even when times are great, they cannot see anything but what they are lacking. When we do this , we are not only doing ourselves a disservice, but we are falling out of line with where God can take us. We are putting boundaries up around Gods grace and are unable to fully see and realise all the blessings that God has in store for us. Some of us at one time or another in our lives, even when things are going really well , we are constantly seeking. Trying to find the next things that will "make me happy". I dare so though friends, that nothing outside God will do this for you. We will never find contentment and happiness outside of our Holy Father.
" Keep your life free from love of money and be content with what you have for he has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you so we can confidently say . The Lord is my helper , I will not fear, what can man do to me " Hebrews 13:5 . If we think about what the basics of contentment truly are, one word that pops into my head is trust. Its about trusting that our Lord , our God, our Father will get us through. No matter where we are or what we have been through, He will get us through. Whereever you are in your life at this given moment, remember God put you there. You were gifted this moment and he walked you to it. Why in the world would he not want to walk you not only to it, but THROUGH it?
As God has put here, he can also take you out. As sure as you are present, you can be taken away. If you believe and trust in God, a God of love and grace, trust and forgiveness, how then can you not be content? How can you trust and at the same time be discontent with where God has put you, because really wherever you are right now, doing whatever it is your doing is a gift. The very essence of your breath and your eyes being open is a gift. Be content .
Proverbs 3:5 says" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." Just be in the moment and trust Him, seek understanding of HIs word in reference to where he wants you today , not where he wants your neighbour or even your spouse..you...and then accept it for what it is and what it looks like to you as a gift, giving gratitude for it with prayer and thanksgiving. Feel blessed for the moment you have for however long you have it. Regardless of the circumstance, it came from God. If right now, its a moment of gloom for you and finding thanks is hard. Being filled with contentment feels useless, then in that moment till you can see the gift of sorrow, be thankful that you do not walk alone. Be content in knowing that this walk, even in pain , is one that is not walked alone.
Heavenly Father I thank you ...I thank you for all gifts, the big ones , the small ones, the joy , the pain. I thank you for them all. I pray Lord that you let my eyes see, that you open them to contentment. Please let my heart be filled with the joy of contentment regardless of circumstance. Help me to learn Father God to be present , in this moment and to feel whatever needs to be felt . Let me see joy in the tears, and replace misgiving with gratitude. Great Father, the true I am , I pray for all people to see you with eyes wide open and with every new breath taken, to be thankful for ever just that breath. You are a God of trust and forgiveness. You are a God of acceptance. You take us as we are. Let us please take you as you are and where you have placed us in this breath. In your name we pray. Amen.
Friday, 5 October 2012
Moses and Life
Good afternoon,
not a big jump into afternoon but it is afternoon none the less. I came to understand something this morning as I was doing my bible study and devotions. Its not a new realisation, but its one I thought I would share.
I start in Exodus. When The Lord our God (I am who I am) came to Moses. Moses said no...I cant do this , I am afraid. I simple cannot do what your asking of me, I am not good enough and I was never a good speaker. Yet God insisted and said, "But I will be with you". In fact repeatedly God said to Moses, I will be with you. God went even deeper then that and said , "who has made a mans mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak" (Exodus 4:11-12) . Yet still , after all was said and done Moses still didn't have the confidence to open his mouth and speak the words the Lord was telling him to speak. So God handed Moses Aaron and allowed him to be the mouth of Moses. It surprises and confuses me that God would do such a thing, but He knew that this was not going to be an easy job for Moses. This was not going to be something that Moses was able to just walk into the King of Egypt and sing in Broadway fashion , "Let my people go", and they would be allowed to go. God knew that this was going to be a journey , he already knew the walk that was going to take place and he knew that if Moses was walking into this before anything had actually really happened with fear, that the things that were going to/had to transpire would need confidence , love and support. I believe that God could have given Moses the confidence that he needed to walk this journey on his own but he choose not to, mainly because Moses didn't ask, but none the less in enters Aaron. The Lord sent these two men to the King of Egypt, knowing full well that the Kings heart would be hardened and that it would take blood water, frogs, gnats, flies, dying livestock , boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and even the death of the first born males across the board before Egypt would beg for the people of Israel to leave. Would you want to go through this alone? even with a confident faith in God and His works and knowing that you never are truly alone. God knew this. He knew that Moses would need a fellow human, he made him lack the confidence he needed. He knew that people of Egypt would be hard. He knew this because he did it. "The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh , and he did not listen to them , as the Lord had spoken to Moses." (Exodus 9:12) . Again and Again he hardened the hearts of the Egyptians towards the people of Israel. "Go into Pharaoh , for I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants, that I may show these signs of mine among you." (exodus 10:1)
God made everything the way it needed to be to go the people of that time to not only see the signs of God, His grace and mercy, but also to prove to the people that he was powerful enough to do it. We have a God of love, power, justice and grace. He is soooo powerful that He can change everything in order to get to the end he needs us to be at. God has the power to give and to take away . He has the power to make a man stubborn or to make him listen. However without our asking and with His grace and consent ...nothing will happen. When you feel as if God is not listening to you, instead of asking why He sisnt there, ask why you cannot hear. Moses and Aaron want to be moved and used by God, therefor they were....in the way that God needed them to be. God made the Egyptians stubborn till he needed them to be stubborn no longer, "and the Lord had given the people favour in the sight of the Egyptians, so that they let them have what they asked". It is not only a case of the Egyptian people being worn down therefore finally giving in , because as we have seen God could have kept it going . It was more a matter of perfect timing , His timing. perfect asking, His asking and perfect trust, our trust.
We need to remember as one of Gods children , that we are not in control. We need to give the power to our God, and let Him take the wheel. This is the truth to full acceptance of our lives, and the key to being able to get through times of triumph , but even more so times of pain and suffering. Listen and follow, Let Him , the true "I AM" lead the way, even when it doesnt make sence.
In HIs Light
not a big jump into afternoon but it is afternoon none the less. I came to understand something this morning as I was doing my bible study and devotions. Its not a new realisation, but its one I thought I would share.
I start in Exodus. When The Lord our God (I am who I am) came to Moses. Moses said no...I cant do this , I am afraid. I simple cannot do what your asking of me, I am not good enough and I was never a good speaker. Yet God insisted and said, "But I will be with you". In fact repeatedly God said to Moses, I will be with you. God went even deeper then that and said , "who has made a mans mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak" (Exodus 4:11-12) . Yet still , after all was said and done Moses still didn't have the confidence to open his mouth and speak the words the Lord was telling him to speak. So God handed Moses Aaron and allowed him to be the mouth of Moses. It surprises and confuses me that God would do such a thing, but He knew that this was not going to be an easy job for Moses. This was not going to be something that Moses was able to just walk into the King of Egypt and sing in Broadway fashion , "Let my people go", and they would be allowed to go. God knew that this was going to be a journey , he already knew the walk that was going to take place and he knew that if Moses was walking into this before anything had actually really happened with fear, that the things that were going to/had to transpire would need confidence , love and support. I believe that God could have given Moses the confidence that he needed to walk this journey on his own but he choose not to, mainly because Moses didn't ask, but none the less in enters Aaron. The Lord sent these two men to the King of Egypt, knowing full well that the Kings heart would be hardened and that it would take blood water, frogs, gnats, flies, dying livestock , boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and even the death of the first born males across the board before Egypt would beg for the people of Israel to leave. Would you want to go through this alone? even with a confident faith in God and His works and knowing that you never are truly alone. God knew this. He knew that Moses would need a fellow human, he made him lack the confidence he needed. He knew that people of Egypt would be hard. He knew this because he did it. "The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh , and he did not listen to them , as the Lord had spoken to Moses." (Exodus 9:12) . Again and Again he hardened the hearts of the Egyptians towards the people of Israel. "Go into Pharaoh , for I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants, that I may show these signs of mine among you." (exodus 10:1)
God made everything the way it needed to be to go the people of that time to not only see the signs of God, His grace and mercy, but also to prove to the people that he was powerful enough to do it. We have a God of love, power, justice and grace. He is soooo powerful that He can change everything in order to get to the end he needs us to be at. God has the power to give and to take away . He has the power to make a man stubborn or to make him listen. However without our asking and with His grace and consent ...nothing will happen. When you feel as if God is not listening to you, instead of asking why He sisnt there, ask why you cannot hear. Moses and Aaron want to be moved and used by God, therefor they were....in the way that God needed them to be. God made the Egyptians stubborn till he needed them to be stubborn no longer, "and the Lord had given the people favour in the sight of the Egyptians, so that they let them have what they asked". It is not only a case of the Egyptian people being worn down therefore finally giving in , because as we have seen God could have kept it going . It was more a matter of perfect timing , His timing. perfect asking, His asking and perfect trust, our trust.
We need to remember as one of Gods children , that we are not in control. We need to give the power to our God, and let Him take the wheel. This is the truth to full acceptance of our lives, and the key to being able to get through times of triumph , but even more so times of pain and suffering. Listen and follow, Let Him , the true "I AM" lead the way, even when it doesnt make sence.
In HIs Light
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
A brief introduction and Commitment,
Good Morning, I pray this post finds you well and that your week is blessed.
We are the Walkers, and were so glad that you have found us on this rainy day in October. Wow, I just typed October, that's so odd. We have had a blog before here, but we thought that it would be good to start a new...again....because our lives have changed...again. God has had us on a bit of a whirlwind tour os of late, and quite frankly I cant keep up. Good news is , I font have to. Alas, I am happy that God has lead us and carried us through, so there really is not anything to complain about. God is funny that way.
My name is Sarah , for those who are unawares. I am a Christian Helpmeet wife and Mother of five. I say five , with some hesitation .... We lost our darling Emily-Rose this summer at the age of "almost two" August 8th , she went home. Her death is the number one reason why this new blog has begun. I went to post i the other blog and quite frankly it just didn't seem to fit our family anymore. I think grief does that. It changes who you are. Sort of takes your insides out ....stomps on it , then God picks them up and puts them back in....but their never really put back in the way they were before.
Our little emmy drowned in our swimming pool. I look back on that day and I cringe...I hurt, I almost plea with myself to take that thought out of your head, least it happen. Of course then I need to remind myself that it did indeed happen and our little girl is away. not gone, but away. I dont see her as gone. I cannot see her as gone. I see her walking a few steps ahead of us in a place that is so amazing and we will be joining her when our time here is through. We are not for here , we are for something higher, bigger and she is there already.
I see things differently now, with alot more clarity, which is why I have decided to share this journey. This blog will not be only about grief, though there will be aspects of such. It will be about our farm also. About our simple life...and how you too can make a commitment to simplicity...however small, if that is where you feel God is leading.
I have learned alot about myself , my family, God and death in the last 8 weeks. Lessons I would have preferred not to see, but I looked death straight in the face and was forced to accept the loss that that leaves. I am no longer afraid. If God can get me through this, I can accomplish anything. Everything with His grace. I have been lead to start this ministry of healing and have been support by Gods hands and feet as they express to me how much they want to see more of my thoughts and feelings in writing. I feel honoured to share our journey with you , however also terrified. I ask that you keep me accountable in my sharing. Because though there are things that are hard to talk about, I think that is exactly why I need to keep sharing.
Emily -Rose didn't fear anything. Every morning she woke with joy in her eyes and peace in her spirit. She lived each day with a smile on her face and everyday wanted to make sure she filled it full....I had a passion to make sure she accomplished that. I see that as a gift from God. Emmy being the fifth it would have been easy for me to just sort of rush through. But I didn't....I held onto every second with her. I thought at the time that it was because she might be my last....but now I see this was God telling me to take my time, as she doesn't have alot.
I miss her in all the little things that she did, said, walked, grew, giggled, cried. even in the way she took a bath. everything in my life reminds me of her, and it hurts. As I sit here with tears flowing from the depths of my soul, I have a smile on my face. The same things that cause me pain, bring me also immense amounts of joy. I miss holding her little body in my arms, and her smell that never seem to change. I am so happy that God gave me a chance to have even a little piece of her. That was a gift. Her being placed in my arms at all was a gift. I have realised that this life is not about asking why did something have to die , its more about asking why did they have to live in the first place. I am and will continue to be a mama of at least five, because even though God has taken her to be with Him, I still have a responsibility to her. I am responsible to continue to love and to remember her . I have a responsibility to live my life in a way that places me with her , with our Saviour when my time comes. I also have a responsibility to live this life as if today was my last because quite frankly it could be. I didn't know that when I ate supper that night , that that would be the last time I would get her dinner ready for her. I didn't know that that afternoon when I held her and breathed her in , that that would be last time. I didn't know that I would change her last diaper on that evening. But I do know that I wouldn't do anything differently. I would have done the same things over if given the chance. I might have made dinner last longer....but overall ...I would do the same things over. I miss my little girl...I miss her so deeply that it physically hurts most days...but were healing and were growing. I would like to share this journey with you if your willing.
This is only the beginning of a small trip on a great journey that only starts after we die....I know that now and will treat it as such. RIP Emily-Rose , I love you with all my soul.
Be well all
In His Love
Sarah Walker
We are the Walkers, and were so glad that you have found us on this rainy day in October. Wow, I just typed October, that's so odd. We have had a blog before here, but we thought that it would be good to start a new...again....because our lives have changed...again. God has had us on a bit of a whirlwind tour os of late, and quite frankly I cant keep up. Good news is , I font have to. Alas, I am happy that God has lead us and carried us through, so there really is not anything to complain about. God is funny that way.
My name is Sarah , for those who are unawares. I am a Christian Helpmeet wife and Mother of five. I say five , with some hesitation .... We lost our darling Emily-Rose this summer at the age of "almost two" August 8th , she went home. Her death is the number one reason why this new blog has begun. I went to post i the other blog and quite frankly it just didn't seem to fit our family anymore. I think grief does that. It changes who you are. Sort of takes your insides out ....stomps on it , then God picks them up and puts them back in....but their never really put back in the way they were before.
Our little emmy drowned in our swimming pool. I look back on that day and I cringe...I hurt, I almost plea with myself to take that thought out of your head, least it happen. Of course then I need to remind myself that it did indeed happen and our little girl is away. not gone, but away. I dont see her as gone. I cannot see her as gone. I see her walking a few steps ahead of us in a place that is so amazing and we will be joining her when our time here is through. We are not for here , we are for something higher, bigger and she is there already.
I see things differently now, with alot more clarity, which is why I have decided to share this journey. This blog will not be only about grief, though there will be aspects of such. It will be about our farm also. About our simple life...and how you too can make a commitment to simplicity...however small, if that is where you feel God is leading.
I have learned alot about myself , my family, God and death in the last 8 weeks. Lessons I would have preferred not to see, but I looked death straight in the face and was forced to accept the loss that that leaves. I am no longer afraid. If God can get me through this, I can accomplish anything. Everything with His grace. I have been lead to start this ministry of healing and have been support by Gods hands and feet as they express to me how much they want to see more of my thoughts and feelings in writing. I feel honoured to share our journey with you , however also terrified. I ask that you keep me accountable in my sharing. Because though there are things that are hard to talk about, I think that is exactly why I need to keep sharing.
Emily -Rose didn't fear anything. Every morning she woke with joy in her eyes and peace in her spirit. She lived each day with a smile on her face and everyday wanted to make sure she filled it full....I had a passion to make sure she accomplished that. I see that as a gift from God. Emmy being the fifth it would have been easy for me to just sort of rush through. But I didn't....I held onto every second with her. I thought at the time that it was because she might be my last....but now I see this was God telling me to take my time, as she doesn't have alot.
I miss her in all the little things that she did, said, walked, grew, giggled, cried. even in the way she took a bath. everything in my life reminds me of her, and it hurts. As I sit here with tears flowing from the depths of my soul, I have a smile on my face. The same things that cause me pain, bring me also immense amounts of joy. I miss holding her little body in my arms, and her smell that never seem to change. I am so happy that God gave me a chance to have even a little piece of her. That was a gift. Her being placed in my arms at all was a gift. I have realised that this life is not about asking why did something have to die , its more about asking why did they have to live in the first place. I am and will continue to be a mama of at least five, because even though God has taken her to be with Him, I still have a responsibility to her. I am responsible to continue to love and to remember her . I have a responsibility to live my life in a way that places me with her , with our Saviour when my time comes. I also have a responsibility to live this life as if today was my last because quite frankly it could be. I didn't know that when I ate supper that night , that that would be the last time I would get her dinner ready for her. I didn't know that that afternoon when I held her and breathed her in , that that would be last time. I didn't know that I would change her last diaper on that evening. But I do know that I wouldn't do anything differently. I would have done the same things over if given the chance. I might have made dinner last longer....but overall ...I would do the same things over. I miss my little girl...I miss her so deeply that it physically hurts most days...but were healing and were growing. I would like to share this journey with you if your willing.
This is only the beginning of a small trip on a great journey that only starts after we die....I know that now and will treat it as such. RIP Emily-Rose , I love you with all my soul.
Be well all
In His Love
Sarah Walker
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