The cleaning of the closet. When I think of this term I will be honest my head goes right to an old enieniem song. I don't think that's spelt right, but I am not even going to bother looking it up. That song, as well as many others are little tidbits of things that I wish I could just see gone away from my past. But unfortunately once some things are seen or heard they can not be unheard. Lots of things , habits and the like , can be unlearn ed, but there is something about our minds that really stick to images. Once their in there, they dont seem to go away. Even though I want the song and the words this very white very trashy rapper uses to describe things within the song to leave my thought processes. The content and the meaning I don't really want to. Because today as I "cleaned out my closet" alot of his truths rang true with my truths. You see the closet I choose to clean up or out today was our winter closet...now this thing has been sitting among itself for almost a year...actually probably a year to the week because it only contains things like jackets, mitts, leggings...you know the things that one only uses in the winter hence the name winter closet. I started this process today because the winter closet in our home is situated right off wht we call the fire room. Now this is not a room of sin or brimstone, it is cleverly named fire room because this is where we have our woodstove that heats our entire home. We have yet the need to clean this room out as of yet because we haven't had a need for a fire, nor the time to clean out the room. Today was the day. It was a daunting task , I gotta say, but something that just had to be done. I looked into this room from the stairs and I must admit I groaned. It has been the catch all room for almost a year. It has caught dishes we don't need, clothes that are tooo small , computer games we don't use and even sleeping bags. Not sure where some of the things came from, but alas they were there. I even found half a broken floor fan underneath the rubble but that's another story.
I started to pull apart things and about 10 mins in , I realised that this was going to be harder then I thought. Not because the work load was bigger, but because this cleaning out of this closet was littered with Emily-Roses belongings. First sitting outside the door as if it was placed there on purpose was her teddy bear...well truth be told its Ashleighs teddy, but Emily hijacked it shortly after Ashleigh received it because when you press the hand it laughs. I press the hand and my eyes well up. Its almost as if the bear no longer giggles like the bear use to...high pitched annoying cry...instead it sounds very close to what I remember Emilys laugh to be., sweet and right from the tummy. I feel my eyes well up as I turn it over and look at the tag. Emily- Rose had a thing for tags. It didn't really matter what the stuffy looked like , as long as there was a tag. This tag on this bear is stiff. stiff from her. She would softly pull it between her fingers. This tag on this bear is laced with old chocolate. I softly laugh as tears run down my face and I allow my mind to go to THAT place...you know the, I wonder what shes doing now place, and I wonder when she touched this last place. I try to stay away from those places....most of the time. Today..I decided...well were cleaning out the closet. I call up to Ash and ask her if she wants it ,the bear...she comes down and I see her look to me and then to it. "Its not really my bear anymore" . I think for a min and ask, "well maybe I can wash it?" I toss it to my oldest daughter. her reply simply. "You cant really wash it , I like it dirty and this kind of dirt doesn't really come out" . She took that bear in her arms and she went upstairs. I stood watching her , and thought , this kind of dirt doesn't really come out... you know shes right. No amount of anything would take the feelings that that bear holds for her, for me, and for Emily-Rose. We'll just leave it dirty.Ash doesn't see the dirt anyway , she sees so many other things now, though once when Emmy was still her she complained about the dirt. She saw the dirt for dirt and not for what it really was . From now on we'll just embrace the dirt , and understand it for what it is.. Its alot like that with alot of things . Our dirt though sometimes looks bad, and stained and dishevelled and even sometimes smelly. It really makes us who we are. We are our dirt. We are where we came from , not just where we are going. When I look at that bear , I don't see dirt now. I see Emily-Rose rubbing that tag between her tiny little fingers, I see her pushing that hand and giggling cuz it giggled, I see chocolate, something she loved immensely. I see how much I miss my little girl. I feel how empty my arms feel every day, without her in them. I don't see dirt , I see many hours spent in bliss. I see a companion that stayed with her through the night and cuddled her when I wasn't there. I see bits of who Emily-Rose was here on this earth and I long for it. I ache for it
I sit for a min and feel it. I feel the loss and I think dare I open the closet? I mean really. When you start on something like this, are you able to hold up the white flag, and say whooaaaa....Can you stop once you start? I shake my head and stand....I open the door and I start to clean. I pull out all sortf of things that have gathered there. I pull out belongings that dont know what happened. They were put there when we were a whole family. These coats were put there when Emily -rose was here to help. Shes not now and it feels empty. I come across her little mitts, her toque that was too big last year but would have been perfect this year...her little snowpants...She never got to play in the snow. Last year she was so small that we would walk around the property, but she didn't play in it. I wanted to see her play in snow. Last year I was so excited for this year , that I forgot to respect and see last year. Last year when I was sitting out in the snow with her instead of enjoying that moment , I was saying "this is fun but you just wait till next year when you can actually play". Next year didn't come. . I regret not just being present last year in last year.
Its painful, I wont lie. It hurts. When I am pulling this all apart...as I sit here now. I stand before you tear stained and hurting. I am hurting. Life is not rainbows and love for me at moments like these when all you really want is one more moment . one more moment to show someone who is no longer that they will be yours forever. But in this moment that's not possible. In this moment we have to find comfort in the loss. We have to know that what we think is ours isnt. Nothing is really ours, were gifted them for a moment....but really? their not ours. Our children, our home, our life...everyone and everything among us is a gift , a gift that is given and can be taken away. I hold her mitt and I breath it in , I cherish that emily-rose was part of one of my moments, That I was given even a chance to embrace her. If God had said last winter that this is your last winter with her, I would take it. Anything , everything, I would take it. I would say ok, and I would carry on. I suppose that's why people say live for today, you never do know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know when people are going to die, but I also don't want to live like there is always tomorrow. There isn't.
I hold her mitt and think , yep I would have had to buy her new ones. Her hand is definitely bigger. I would buy her pink ones though, cuz pink was her favourite colour.She didn't much like purple.
I put the mitts in the bag, along with so many other things and I think you know this is all loss. Its not the same but its loss. I am putting clothing in the bag from last winter that was my other childrens. They have grown too. Their no longer babies, they are bigger and have grown away from me as well. They are still present, I can still hold them and feel their warmth, but their not who they use to be. Maybe its all the same . I cant hold Emmy right now, but shes with me, shes a part of this family and one day I will see her again , face to face. Emily-Rose has just grown a little quicker then my other children. She has moved on to bigger , better things. She is not gone , she is away. I imagine for a second that God sees us in this way as well. We are His children and though he cannot touch us in the same way as our earthly Father, he stilll loves us and cares for us and looks forward to the day that he too will be able to touch us. He comforts us in so many ways, but I imagine Him longing for a hug.
I continue to clean out the closet, dust balls flying, emotions dripping from cuts that aren't quite healed .and probably never will be and I am thankful. I am thankful for a closet full of coats and warmth , I am thankful that I am a mother . I am thankful for little mitts and teddy bears with belly laughs. I am thankful for the absence of fear.
"God is our refuge and strength , an ever present help in trouble . Therefore we will not fear" - psalm 46:1
Even here , in this place, I am comforted.
As I finished the closet and got everything put away nicely, and made a mental list of all the things I had left to get the kids ready for winter. I hear a squeal of delight from upstairs.
"MOMOMMOMOMMOM MOMMMMMMMMMMMM. You never believe what is happening?!"
I run upstairs to look out my front window, and there the snow of a new season starts to fall and blow. Our first real snowfall. Beautiful. Its coming down just as I finish putting together pairs of coats with snowpants and th e kids are screaming "can we can we can we". I say "absolutely , in the CLEANED winter closet, all your things are laid out". I look out the window as my joy filled children run amongst the flakes, and I think wow....you know cleaning out that closet sucked. It hurt , it pulled...BUT...it got the things ready for them and for me to go play amongst the flakes. So worth it. This journey ..hurts...it sucks...it plugs your nose with crap...BUT its worth it, because at the end of the day...we have a God of love. Everything from Him is from love, and he will not let us fall. Awesome. So ya I cleaned out my closet, but I certainly didnt say any f words or grahb my crotch AND it still got done!
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