I have been having a lot of issues sleeping.
If I am honest, which I am going to be, I have always had a huge issue with sleep. Before Emilys accident I was often wondering the house 2, 3 , 4 am. Just unable to get my mind to rest. If something happened through the day that I was unsure of , or that hurt me , harmed me or even made my happy. My brain would welcome it at night. Now I have no problem getting tired. I am tired alot..lol. no problem going into bed..love my bed. My problem is getting to sleep and staying asleep. If getting to sleep goes well at first , then most nights and some time I will wake and wont be able to get back to sleep. even though my eyes burn from being so tired. I just cannot shut off my brain , I think to much I guess. I roll things over , and over and over. On top of the sleeping issues I haev , my husband has equal sleeping problems. The huge difference there though is that his sleep problems effect only me, his snoring, and he hardly notices the fact that he does it...so in fact, he doesn't have a problem at all. I do. If I am having a good night and actually feeling my body roll into sleep, just about the time I fade into sleeping bliss...the snoring starts. wakes me up and I start the process of settling my brain all over again. I am not sure why I brought this up, other then for the fact that since Emily-Roses death my sleeping issues are worse. I now not only cant turn off my brain from thinking, I also in the silence of the night cant help but look for her. I dont mean in the sence of hide and seek. I am not going mental in that way. But I mean in my mind. I am constantly reliving moments with her, good and bad, so that I never forget who and where she was . To remember every night that she really was here. It doesn't make for a good sleep as I am sure you can imagine. Alas my sleeping issues have really nothing to do with what God had me working through this morning. But I guess in part its part of the story. My story.
We are a homeschooling family, been so for 15 years. We love it. With its challenges and rewards. Both of which are present. But really I would choose no other life. I love the chance it gives me to connect not only with each of my children but also with myself and my husband. I love it. It gi ves us a chance to really get to know our children and to watch them grow and explore things that if they were in public school we would have missed . It is a perfect fit with my family. I am thankful for it. Homeschooling is part of our 'normal" day to day life. Its part of who we are, before emmy died and even now....after.
However this morning , where this story begins and what God has driven home for me today is my definition of normal . My definition of where and what I should be right now....today after almost 4 months of burying our child.
I have been in such a rush to get back to normal, that I have missed a few lessons that God had for me along the way. He hasn't made them known yet, but He has started the process.
When a child dies, welll when anyone dies but especially someone young, I have realised that no one knows exactly what to say to you.They cant say their in a better place, even though they are, because really a healthy 2 year olds world in a loving family wasnt that bad. They cant say its a blessing. They cant say that its all part of the cycle, though it is. Everything you have leaned to say at times of death, just dont seem to fit when its a baby. A little tiny bundle who hasnt come out of the blessing phase. When children are born we say, oh what a blessing, but what do you say when only 2 years ago something called a blessing is dead. something that was and is a blessing is gone. There is nothing to say. As much as there is nothing to say , there is also nothing to do. There is nothing that I nor you can do to take away the pain, that's Gods work, and were fooling ourselves if we think we can fix it. We cant . Only God can do that , and he does, in his time , with his look and his grace. We only have to have patience and wait on it . It will come.
I was so eager to get back to normal. To have a cleaned house. Even a few days ago I was sitting here wondering , how do I get a clean house, why wont my house stay clean. Why wont my kids clean up after themselves? Why are things always so dirty? I was really letting these thoughts take over everything . What does my new life look like? how do we act now? how do we homeschool? what do I do with my free time? Are my kids adjusting, quick get the chore charts running. I need to lose weight. I need to look the part, together. I need to be peace. How do get my life back together, in order ....get order in the house...order means together...order means were ok. Knowing what to expect is safe. Safe means that I never really have to deal with the fact that in this big full house....were all empty. If I dont have to acknowledge that were broken, if everything is functioning and is "normal" then I dont really have to truly acknowledge that fact that my daughter is dead. Their sister is dead. Their granddaughter is dead. Emily-Rose is gone, away. She will never be here , in this place....again.
If I am busy getting normal right, I don't have to think about the fact that I never had normal to begin with. If I am busy being busy, then I don't need to ever really feel what quiet is without a toddler running around. I am not ready to not have a toddler around. Be busy...fill your life...get back to normal. God pointed out to me this morning, that getting back to "normal" is not normal.
Emily-Rose dying is not normal. no one has the words to say because there are no words to say. I was trying to get to something that I needed to step far away from. I was fighting against a grain to accomplish something that was not fit to accomplish....yet. It feels like when your wearing shoes that are too big for you, or pants that are to long. You put them on, and you could make everything look alright in certain light or directions, but as soon as you walk...you call. you trip and it hurts...but ...you can get back up , pull the shoes, the pants back on and try again. The funny thing about God is that he doesn't stop you falling on your face, but he does help you back up so that you can choose to try again in the same shoes and walk slower , or get smaller shoes.
I dont really have the choose to get smaller shoes. These shoes, though I wouldn't choose the size, were gifted to me from a Father so amazing that I cant possibly give them back. Plus they didn't come with a gift receipt, I asked for one and was declined, so I am stuck with my shoes. so are you. Maybe your shoes are bigger then what you would like, or smaller...but their yours. We have to figure out how to walk in the shoes we have, not in the shoes we want. I dont want these shoes, and I certainly wouldn't give them to anyone else either...but their mine.
I have realised that its not about getting "back to normal" . My normal isnt the same as what it was, it will never be like it was. I dont think its about being normal anyway, its about living today like its your last day and letting God lead you in the direction that he sees fit on THAT day. As THAT moment passes. The day we are born, we all begin to die. We are all dying, how are you living as a dying person? I have realised that in my rush to get back to normal, I just keep trying to walk in shoes that are to big. I have been trying to walk in shoes to big for a long time now....years perhaps....emmys death only made my shoes bigger and the fall harder. God keeps picking me up, and brushing off the bruises, but really I think I would rather not fall so much. I would rather learn to walk in these new shoes I was given.
My mission and task is simple. I am taking 180 days. I am taking 180 days figuring out how to walk in my new shoes. Will it be all better at the end? no probably not. Will I still fall? I hope so cuz its when I am down on my knees I learn the most. But maybe, just maybe, I will fall less and see more. shuffle less and step out more. Be less normal and more myself. My family and I are taking 180 days to learn , to heal, to be together, to walk the walk, to write, to read, to run, to dance, to cry, to laugh , to wander around at 2am and sleep till noon. To be closer to God and to be open to listening to him and be with him in whatever capacity he meets us in. 180 days to do whatever it is were pulled to do to heal and to see . We wont be having formal school, were not going to have the charts....were just gonna live and see where God takes us. See if we can see what our new shoes look like through Gods eyes. Trusting that He will bring us through...His grace , His peace, His walk is enough...
Blessings you all, hold on tight. Were commiting 180 days to living and see where we end up.
Sarah
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