Good Day Friends!
Thanks for stopping by.
I have been told that our journey is an interesting one and that people would love to see what we do everyday. Though I think our journey has been an amazing one , I didnt think that people would be interested in how we do things. I was wrong. I also have realized that how we do things in our daily lives can help other people get closer to where they feel called by God to be. So this blog will be used more often for the everyday amazing things that are going on in our lives. I am also going to do some videos as well, vlogs , and I pray that we will be able to help people get that much closer to a simple life.
Today has been a busy one for us. Woke up early this morning , and got our chores done. We hae chickens, rabbits, a turkey and some goats. I then had to use up some of the apples from the cold cellar as some were going bad. So we made some applesauce for breakfast! Here is the recipie I use for fresh applesauce, not canned, but I am sure you could proably use this for canned however it doesnt get as smooth as my canned applesauce because I dont put the fresh stuff through the food mill.
Walker Family AppleSauce
* 4 apples
* 3/4 cup water
* 1/4 cup sugar
* sprinkle of cinnamon (we add alot as we love this spice)
* pinch of nutmeg
- core and peel , cut into peices about 4 apples. If you want a big patch you can easily double it all up.
using the double 8 apples feed us for a breakfast.
- add all the ingredients into a pot and cook together untill the apples are soft.
- turn off the heat and mash them with a masher and then serve. It all takes bout 20 mins . Not long. Store any leftovers in the fridge in a mason jar.
- you mash them till it gets to the thickness you want. we like ours a little chunky for oatmeal and toast.
Thats it. We served it this morning on bread leftover from yesterday for breakfast this morning.
Have great day everyone!
In Gods light
Sarah
Saturday 19 January 2013
Tuesday 8 January 2013
New Years gonna's
Wow...I keep looking at the date of 2013 and think what in the world. It feels like only yesterday it was 1997 and I was becoming a mama for the first time. I was scared , lonely and really had no idea what my life was going to be. I dont even think I knew at that point what I wanted it to be. In 1997 I was 18yo and terrified. I was going to be a mom weither I was ready to or not. Now that littel boy that made me a mama is going to turn 16 this year. Ouch.
That journey isnt what I wanted to write about today though. To many tears have been shed recently and I dont want to shed more for something else at this point.....Tyler turning 16 will come along sooner then I can even imagine, no need to rush into those tears. Noooo Thank you.
Every year I have made resolutions. Every year when the clock strikes midnight or when I wake up the next morning....there are new rules I have made for myself that I need to follow. This year looked like it was going to be some more of the same. You know the same ones that everyone seems to make...gonna work out, gonna lose the fat (not sure where I expected to lose it though) , gonna gonna gonna. And then in the few weeks it takes me to fail miserably at it, I feel like a big epic failure and convince myself that I will always fail. I have never ever stayed on board with resolutions made on NYE. Mostly cuz they ALL almost always SUCK and they almost always mean I cant eat dessert or bread...also not on my success list.
This year , I started doing the same things. I had my gonnas started in my head well before NYE even came about. I think its funny you know that we all magically think that at midnight at the change of the year our want for chips will some how change or the fact that we emotionally eat will somehow be different or we will somehow like people we didnt before.. Its hard too because our consumer like mind sees and feels all the manipulated messages we are sent the week leading into NYE and the week following by our all trusting advertising people. They know us better then we know ourselves and this really echoed in my head this year. I went to a store to buy a box of chocolates , and where I picked some up was in the "Christmas isle" but as Christmas was over and we were moving into New Years, they were moving the chocolate out and the health food /equipment in. I think this time of year is the only time of year you can buy a blender and discount chocolate on the same shelf. So weird.
As I was making "the list" this year though , God really started speaking to me . He really started to point out some hard truths to me. Truths like, if you listen to me you will be where you need and want to be. The idea of listening kept echoing and echoing , over and over in all my prayer time.Words like obedience , self-sufficiency, sustainability, in it for the long haul, and open your eyes and ears. I began to realize that there were some issues in my life , that I needed to think on. issues that couldn't be resolved with resolutions . issues that no amount of commitment would make things change for, no matter how many lists I make. No matter how many times I say I am going to lose weight (or whatever) on NYE, if I dont know the way to get there...then I am not going to make it very far. If I dont have the drive and the answer to why , then its just another rule that I am making on myself. Another law that I dont have any reason behind.
If there is something worth doing, and it was something that was driven by God, then it doesnt matter the time of year . If I wanted to accomplish it , really wanted to and it was inspired by God, even weight loss...then really I would . I dont need a clock to tell me it was time.
What I need is eyes to see and ears to hear and go in the direction that God has already called me to. My thoughts about resolutions quickly turned into a question....a question I knew had been brewing for awhile....are you listening? Did you listen? Are you living already the life that God has layed out. Are you putting off what you really should be doing in exchange for things that you know you shouldn't. The answer for me was No and yes.
Since Emily's accident I have fallen away from most of the things that I or rather we had been called to. We had been called to a simple plain life even before we became Christian. We were gifted this place, it was an answer to prayer even though we didnt know at the time who we were praying to. My husband and I have felt drawn to a homemade holistic life since we were both teenagers. In fact part of the reason we got together was because we both wanted the same things....to live off the land and to live in simplicity in a culture that demands complexity. We wanted to live differently and with a wholeness that we had not seen in our own childhoods. We wanted to be whole, healthy and of the earth. We wanted to make our own clothes and be able to live separate from the world. We wanted to be sufficient in and of ourselves. We wanted to raise children that were full of peace and a respect for the things in life that were important. We didnt want to be part of the consumer culture. When we bought this place we had a five year plan. Then last November when we were baptised, we started to questions things again. I began to cover and wear modest and mostly handmade clothing...we were moving closer and closer to where we thought we were suppose to be. We were living our handmade life and really loving it. One big thing had changed then though from five years ago was that we wanted to make this life not only for our selves but also to minister to others and to supply others with wholesome food and advice. help other people get to simplicity. Before though we helped other people, it wasnt a focus. Now our goal was the same, but the application was different. Thank you God.
As we were working closer to where we wanted to be and where we knew God was leading us to be , Emilys accident 5 months ago sent everything into a tailspin....I took my cover off, we really were grabbing at straws to get comfortable (and still are in a way) and began to just try and fit in with everyone and everything else around us. Well I did. I stopped cooking meals, I stopped being content with what we had, I stopped seeing the grace and the gifts around me. I even started to think that we needed to move. Sell this house and move to a place in town , start over. I put on a mask . Whatever our life was before emmys accident , I wanted nothing to do with it. I started playing video games I hadnt played before, I pulled away from certain relationships that reminded me of my mindset before. We were new, and we needed to create something different then I was...before. Its almost as if we have a before we were Christian life and after Christian life but also within that we have a Before Emmy died life and After Emmy died life. It was a odd mindset, and I think it had everthing to do with the reminders that we were the parents of a little girl that was no longer there with us. She is no longer here, and that fact is hard to swallow. I trust Christ, and I know that whatever the reasons, He will see us through....but that doesnt make the fact that my arms still ache for her presence any easier nor that she really truly isnt coming back that much clearer.
I was being sent little reminders of our past life and I would quickly push them aside and think ,that was then. This is now. We aren't those people. The problem is , that God NEVER lets up. At least in my experience, when He wants something from you or in you, He pushes and pushes till you do it . He has the lesson thrown at you over and over until you learn it. He doesn't just let it go. For this I am forever grateful. I needed the reminders.
SO as I approached NYE and a range of possibilities of change popped into my head...I realised that the majority of my discontent and my need of change was because I had thrown away the life I had already been so close to grasping. The life that God had gifted me with and I in one swoop of disobedience and time of trouble , thew it away. I stopped listening because I thought I didn't have to . Something in my head said, you gave the ultimate sacrifice....you need not give more. Some of things I want are things like, make more things, grow more things, simplicity, spend less, talk more, write more, spend more time , be green conscious, walk more, be a steward to all things (money, children, home and church), show modesty in dress and in voice , respect my husband and his needs, cook more , shop less, eat healthy homegrown, listen with more patience and grace, talk less, be kind, dont judge, be still, enjoy the quiet, get up early, be well , be yourself but in Gods eyes, be pure, be obedient , dont manipulate....anything, be honest, humble yourself, have self control in body , mouth and soul, watch your pride and most of all spend time with God. I had these things, I was working towards these things and then I fell. I stopped listening, and I started searching for the grey areas, like books, music and games. When once I questioned should I , I began to question why shouldn't I, why cant I... Which is a very different question.
I think New Years is a great time to refocus and to change. I think today is a great time to refocus and change...I think when you wake, when you sleep, when you eat, when you shower , when you sing , when you work, dance, cry, walk or sit in quiet is a great time to refocus and change. I think Now is an awesome time to refocus and change and to listen to the path that our amazing God ahs laid before you, even if its different then the path of others. In every moment we make a choice. In every move, we are making a choice. We are given the choice.
I am making a commitment to self, to listen. I am ready to get picked back up and start living again the life I was so ready to toss to the side..... I am ready to be in this place.....to be proud of my calling and to help others that feel the same. I am ready.
I dont have new years resolutions, but I do have a Jan 8th thought, I am going to listen.
That journey isnt what I wanted to write about today though. To many tears have been shed recently and I dont want to shed more for something else at this point.....Tyler turning 16 will come along sooner then I can even imagine, no need to rush into those tears. Noooo Thank you.
Every year I have made resolutions. Every year when the clock strikes midnight or when I wake up the next morning....there are new rules I have made for myself that I need to follow. This year looked like it was going to be some more of the same. You know the same ones that everyone seems to make...gonna work out, gonna lose the fat (not sure where I expected to lose it though) , gonna gonna gonna. And then in the few weeks it takes me to fail miserably at it, I feel like a big epic failure and convince myself that I will always fail. I have never ever stayed on board with resolutions made on NYE. Mostly cuz they ALL almost always SUCK and they almost always mean I cant eat dessert or bread...also not on my success list.
This year , I started doing the same things. I had my gonnas started in my head well before NYE even came about. I think its funny you know that we all magically think that at midnight at the change of the year our want for chips will some how change or the fact that we emotionally eat will somehow be different or we will somehow like people we didnt before.. Its hard too because our consumer like mind sees and feels all the manipulated messages we are sent the week leading into NYE and the week following by our all trusting advertising people. They know us better then we know ourselves and this really echoed in my head this year. I went to a store to buy a box of chocolates , and where I picked some up was in the "Christmas isle" but as Christmas was over and we were moving into New Years, they were moving the chocolate out and the health food /equipment in. I think this time of year is the only time of year you can buy a blender and discount chocolate on the same shelf. So weird.
As I was making "the list" this year though , God really started speaking to me . He really started to point out some hard truths to me. Truths like, if you listen to me you will be where you need and want to be. The idea of listening kept echoing and echoing , over and over in all my prayer time.Words like obedience , self-sufficiency, sustainability, in it for the long haul, and open your eyes and ears. I began to realize that there were some issues in my life , that I needed to think on. issues that couldn't be resolved with resolutions . issues that no amount of commitment would make things change for, no matter how many lists I make. No matter how many times I say I am going to lose weight (or whatever) on NYE, if I dont know the way to get there...then I am not going to make it very far. If I dont have the drive and the answer to why , then its just another rule that I am making on myself. Another law that I dont have any reason behind.
If there is something worth doing, and it was something that was driven by God, then it doesnt matter the time of year . If I wanted to accomplish it , really wanted to and it was inspired by God, even weight loss...then really I would . I dont need a clock to tell me it was time.
What I need is eyes to see and ears to hear and go in the direction that God has already called me to. My thoughts about resolutions quickly turned into a question....a question I knew had been brewing for awhile....are you listening? Did you listen? Are you living already the life that God has layed out. Are you putting off what you really should be doing in exchange for things that you know you shouldn't. The answer for me was No and yes.
Since Emily's accident I have fallen away from most of the things that I or rather we had been called to. We had been called to a simple plain life even before we became Christian. We were gifted this place, it was an answer to prayer even though we didnt know at the time who we were praying to. My husband and I have felt drawn to a homemade holistic life since we were both teenagers. In fact part of the reason we got together was because we both wanted the same things....to live off the land and to live in simplicity in a culture that demands complexity. We wanted to live differently and with a wholeness that we had not seen in our own childhoods. We wanted to be whole, healthy and of the earth. We wanted to make our own clothes and be able to live separate from the world. We wanted to be sufficient in and of ourselves. We wanted to raise children that were full of peace and a respect for the things in life that were important. We didnt want to be part of the consumer culture. When we bought this place we had a five year plan. Then last November when we were baptised, we started to questions things again. I began to cover and wear modest and mostly handmade clothing...we were moving closer and closer to where we thought we were suppose to be. We were living our handmade life and really loving it. One big thing had changed then though from five years ago was that we wanted to make this life not only for our selves but also to minister to others and to supply others with wholesome food and advice. help other people get to simplicity. Before though we helped other people, it wasnt a focus. Now our goal was the same, but the application was different. Thank you God.
As we were working closer to where we wanted to be and where we knew God was leading us to be , Emilys accident 5 months ago sent everything into a tailspin....I took my cover off, we really were grabbing at straws to get comfortable (and still are in a way) and began to just try and fit in with everyone and everything else around us. Well I did. I stopped cooking meals, I stopped being content with what we had, I stopped seeing the grace and the gifts around me. I even started to think that we needed to move. Sell this house and move to a place in town , start over. I put on a mask . Whatever our life was before emmys accident , I wanted nothing to do with it. I started playing video games I hadnt played before, I pulled away from certain relationships that reminded me of my mindset before. We were new, and we needed to create something different then I was...before. Its almost as if we have a before we were Christian life and after Christian life but also within that we have a Before Emmy died life and After Emmy died life. It was a odd mindset, and I think it had everthing to do with the reminders that we were the parents of a little girl that was no longer there with us. She is no longer here, and that fact is hard to swallow. I trust Christ, and I know that whatever the reasons, He will see us through....but that doesnt make the fact that my arms still ache for her presence any easier nor that she really truly isnt coming back that much clearer.
I was being sent little reminders of our past life and I would quickly push them aside and think ,that was then. This is now. We aren't those people. The problem is , that God NEVER lets up. At least in my experience, when He wants something from you or in you, He pushes and pushes till you do it . He has the lesson thrown at you over and over until you learn it. He doesn't just let it go. For this I am forever grateful. I needed the reminders.
SO as I approached NYE and a range of possibilities of change popped into my head...I realised that the majority of my discontent and my need of change was because I had thrown away the life I had already been so close to grasping. The life that God had gifted me with and I in one swoop of disobedience and time of trouble , thew it away. I stopped listening because I thought I didn't have to . Something in my head said, you gave the ultimate sacrifice....you need not give more. Some of things I want are things like, make more things, grow more things, simplicity, spend less, talk more, write more, spend more time , be green conscious, walk more, be a steward to all things (money, children, home and church), show modesty in dress and in voice , respect my husband and his needs, cook more , shop less, eat healthy homegrown, listen with more patience and grace, talk less, be kind, dont judge, be still, enjoy the quiet, get up early, be well , be yourself but in Gods eyes, be pure, be obedient , dont manipulate....anything, be honest, humble yourself, have self control in body , mouth and soul, watch your pride and most of all spend time with God. I had these things, I was working towards these things and then I fell. I stopped listening, and I started searching for the grey areas, like books, music and games. When once I questioned should I , I began to question why shouldn't I, why cant I... Which is a very different question.
I think New Years is a great time to refocus and to change. I think today is a great time to refocus and change...I think when you wake, when you sleep, when you eat, when you shower , when you sing , when you work, dance, cry, walk or sit in quiet is a great time to refocus and change. I think Now is an awesome time to refocus and change and to listen to the path that our amazing God ahs laid before you, even if its different then the path of others. In every moment we make a choice. In every move, we are making a choice. We are given the choice.
I am making a commitment to self, to listen. I am ready to get picked back up and start living again the life I was so ready to toss to the side..... I am ready to be in this place.....to be proud of my calling and to help others that feel the same. I am ready.
I dont have new years resolutions, but I do have a Jan 8th thought, I am going to listen.
Friday 4 January 2013
winter beauty
we went for the most amazing walk today.....after the phone call from the dentist (see earlier post) I was feeling pretty down so I decided to go for a walk through our woods. It was amazing and I haven't done that for a very long time , I had forgotten how amazing our property is and why we had moved here in the first place. Its been a crazy couple of years here, I have to admit. From different roomates and their drama to sickness to faith to death to birth. We have experienced pretty much every kind of high stress stuff here...its been insane. It seems for the last five years since buying this farm if it wasnt one thing , it was another. Its sucked , I have to say . When emmy died here , I have to admit it was like the straw that broke my back. I was done here and really wanted to move. Yes I love the idea of farming, of living off the land and I love being able to take care of myself. but as of late there has been a peice of me saying...not me, not now. I am done. I thought I wanted my simple life back..trade in the simple life here for the simpler life in the city. That's funny. In an attempt to live a simpler plainer life, our life got a heck of alot more complex. I thought I wanted to trade it all in, get rid of the memories and the work. Go somewhere busy where I can hide from all the 'stuff" I have to deal with. However in walking through our woods today with my amazing children , I realised that this here, this place , its where I belong.
I have changed alot from the person I was , and I dont think I will ever be the same. I dont want to be the same, but part of that is embracing the things that are here , in this moment and some of that is painful for us right now.
I have an idea of where and who I want to be. I have seen in bits where God is leading us , and here is part of that puzzle. Emily died here , yes. but she was born here too. My children have made a home here. We have made a life here. Our dreams are here. Here is part of our story. leaving here doesn't change that. We have been through alot here , good and bad, but we cant hide from any of it.
I want to live a life that is calm...a life that is about sustaining ourselves and with God emotionally, spiritually and physically ....this place ....here....is the only place we could ever do that. This place with its broken bits is perfect for us with our broken bits.
deep breaths......we are here for a short time and this is not our home, take the time to smell the roses....to feel the cold...to walk, to breath , to enjoy.
I have changed alot from the person I was , and I dont think I will ever be the same. I dont want to be the same, but part of that is embracing the things that are here , in this moment and some of that is painful for us right now.
I have an idea of where and who I want to be. I have seen in bits where God is leading us , and here is part of that puzzle. Emily died here , yes. but she was born here too. My children have made a home here. We have made a life here. Our dreams are here. Here is part of our story. leaving here doesn't change that. We have been through alot here , good and bad, but we cant hide from any of it.
I want to live a life that is calm...a life that is about sustaining ourselves and with God emotionally, spiritually and physically ....this place ....here....is the only place we could ever do that. This place with its broken bits is perfect for us with our broken bits.
deep breaths......we are here for a short time and this is not our home, take the time to smell the roses....to feel the cold...to walk, to breath , to enjoy.
I hate the dentist
almost 5 months later...I am still telling people shes gone.....
The dentist called today....eager to clean emily-roses teeth....as she was jsut two and it was time to really get in there and clean them. Before now, they just sort of poked around.... before..... This would have been her first real cleaning.
I sit here with tears slipping down my face....I really just want her here.....I want her to go to the dentist with us. Its on days like this I would do almost anything to not have to tell one more person shes not with us. where she should be. Its days like this....I would give anything to just go back to that morning and not let her go......ever....its days like these.....I am going for a walk.
The dentist called today....eager to clean emily-roses teeth....as she was jsut two and it was time to really get in there and clean them. Before now, they just sort of poked around.... before..... This would have been her first real cleaning.
I sit here with tears slipping down my face....I really just want her here.....I want her to go to the dentist with us. Its on days like this I would do almost anything to not have to tell one more person shes not with us. where she should be. Its days like this....I would give anything to just go back to that morning and not let her go......ever....its days like these.....I am going for a walk.
Tuesday 1 January 2013
2013
So today we wake to a new year. Its odd...isnt it really? that every year this has happened and yet...every year I am surprised. This last year has been a crazy one. 2012 has been stock full of change. Good, Bad, and the in between. It has been filled with heart matters, and things that have changed the very essence of who and what I am. This year was a year of growth, birth, death and rebirth. Its hard to think only of the bad things because really there have been alot of good things. My husband became a Christian this year and really started leading this family. He was always a leader, but not of us and not with Christ directing the wheel. Now, he does and now he has Christ. Our children also committed themselves to Christ. Pur oldest even getting baptised. In fact myself, my husband and my oldest all were baptised this year. I was also married. Something I have always wanted...and now .... I am a married woman. We have met people who have changed our lives, we have become part of a Church family. We have changed. Also in this year unfortunately we loss our emily-rose. A little girl that was pretty much the very core of our family. We surrounded her love, and she soaked it in. I would have it no other way.
My brain and my heart are confused, because as we rang in the new year I wanted to be sad. I wanted to roll into a ball and cry. I wanted t o beg for a redo and change how things worked out. I wanted the get out o jail free card. I wanted to go back and not buy a pool, not move to our farm and really just change the whole entire year. My first feeling was to grieve. To grieve all the horrible loss .... but I didn't. Because as I began to cry...the tears rolling down my face...I looked around. I have been blessed. I....AM....BLESSED.
My four surviving children are amazing, thoughtful , caring, smart and they love me and I them with a depth that no one deserves and part of the reason that I can identify that depth is because of our loss. I didnt know the depth of pain that you can feel as a human being, but after experiencing the depth of loss, I now have a deeper appreciating for the depth of love. You cant lose if you dont love and you cant love if you dont know loss. I am blessed.
I think of our walk with Christ and my oldest son and husband being baptised. Before our loss our oldest son was an athesis...now....on his own demand , he is a Christian. Not just in theory. But a Christian who wants to live a Christian life. His coming to Christ was in direct response to our loss. I am so blessed.
I look at our family, whose dynamic has changed in a way I pray most do not ever have to experience. Its a club I wish I was not involved in. But even there , even in that missing person from our family..that hole....we have become closer and deeper then we ever have been. We cry with each other, but we also laugh with each other. We trust each other with our emotions because when everything went downhill we had no choice....I am Blessed.
I think of our church family....how they have instilled in me a hope....a hope for people. A hope that I am worth being treated well. A hope that I know that no matter what happens, we will always be fed, we will always be treated with respect and we will never again be left in the cold. A hope that I will be able to be there for someone else as deep and as high as the people from our church have been there for us. They have surrounded us with love and a depth of friendship that I have not known. They have taught me that I dont have to be anything but myself. I am blessed.
I look to my home, my farm, my community. They too came through for us, and I care for them. I looked to them and they came through. We have a good community and I have learned that just because you dont see everyone everyday, there is care there and we look after each other.We will be there if asked. I am so blessed.
I think of our health .... and the health of our children. We have been blessed.
I look around to my life, and the ability to stay home with my children. If I had had to work outside the home , this year would have been very different. I would have had regrets if someone else had gotten to spend the time that I did with emmy and my other children. But because I have been blessed to be able to stay home, I have no regrets. I am so blessed.
There are so many things that were amazing this year...Emily-Rose went home to our creator, but alot of things that I am thankful for are directly related to that event. Does it make it easier to swallow and can I say that I am thankful for it. No. But because of this there is a confusion in my heart that is hard to understand because I really do want to say 2012 get out of here....you were horrible. But was it? really? no it wasnt. with death there is birth and with pain there is joy.I cant say it was all bad. The bad was huge, but the good was also huge.
I urge you in 2013,,,,have no regrets. You will see your storm, in your life storms will come and for alll of us, the storms will be different so you cannot prepare. But you can build your life on a rock...and you can prepare yourself to not look back with regret. When things go bad, make sure there are good things to tap into. No regrets.
Happy day one of 2013. I am ready for my new normal. are you?
My brain and my heart are confused, because as we rang in the new year I wanted to be sad. I wanted to roll into a ball and cry. I wanted t o beg for a redo and change how things worked out. I wanted the get out o jail free card. I wanted to go back and not buy a pool, not move to our farm and really just change the whole entire year. My first feeling was to grieve. To grieve all the horrible loss .... but I didn't. Because as I began to cry...the tears rolling down my face...I looked around. I have been blessed. I....AM....BLESSED.
My four surviving children are amazing, thoughtful , caring, smart and they love me and I them with a depth that no one deserves and part of the reason that I can identify that depth is because of our loss. I didnt know the depth of pain that you can feel as a human being, but after experiencing the depth of loss, I now have a deeper appreciating for the depth of love. You cant lose if you dont love and you cant love if you dont know loss. I am blessed.
I think of our walk with Christ and my oldest son and husband being baptised. Before our loss our oldest son was an athesis...now....on his own demand , he is a Christian. Not just in theory. But a Christian who wants to live a Christian life. His coming to Christ was in direct response to our loss. I am so blessed.
I look at our family, whose dynamic has changed in a way I pray most do not ever have to experience. Its a club I wish I was not involved in. But even there , even in that missing person from our family..that hole....we have become closer and deeper then we ever have been. We cry with each other, but we also laugh with each other. We trust each other with our emotions because when everything went downhill we had no choice....I am Blessed.
I think of our church family....how they have instilled in me a hope....a hope for people. A hope that I am worth being treated well. A hope that I know that no matter what happens, we will always be fed, we will always be treated with respect and we will never again be left in the cold. A hope that I will be able to be there for someone else as deep and as high as the people from our church have been there for us. They have surrounded us with love and a depth of friendship that I have not known. They have taught me that I dont have to be anything but myself. I am blessed.
I look to my home, my farm, my community. They too came through for us, and I care for them. I looked to them and they came through. We have a good community and I have learned that just because you dont see everyone everyday, there is care there and we look after each other.We will be there if asked. I am so blessed.
I think of our health .... and the health of our children. We have been blessed.
I look around to my life, and the ability to stay home with my children. If I had had to work outside the home , this year would have been very different. I would have had regrets if someone else had gotten to spend the time that I did with emmy and my other children. But because I have been blessed to be able to stay home, I have no regrets. I am so blessed.
There are so many things that were amazing this year...Emily-Rose went home to our creator, but alot of things that I am thankful for are directly related to that event. Does it make it easier to swallow and can I say that I am thankful for it. No. But because of this there is a confusion in my heart that is hard to understand because I really do want to say 2012 get out of here....you were horrible. But was it? really? no it wasnt. with death there is birth and with pain there is joy.I cant say it was all bad. The bad was huge, but the good was also huge.
I urge you in 2013,,,,have no regrets. You will see your storm, in your life storms will come and for alll of us, the storms will be different so you cannot prepare. But you can build your life on a rock...and you can prepare yourself to not look back with regret. When things go bad, make sure there are good things to tap into. No regrets.
Happy day one of 2013. I am ready for my new normal. are you?
Thursday 27 December 2012
small packages
Wow. God has shown me alot this week. I have been meaning to update for a few days, but of course it was crazy. It pretty much all started with a tree....our Chrsitmas season started there. We werent going to have a tree last week. This Christmas just wasnt feeling festive to anyone of else and we all were very nervous going in. Nervous that if we unpacked anything that has been away or we started to look for things we couldnt find, it would open a huge box of pain and memories that none of us really wanted to contend with. On top of it all, I have never been a Christmas person. I have never reallly enjoyed it. The shopping, the mess, the busy, all of it seemed nuts to me. I enjoy the family get togthers, love and peace that can be found this time of year. but it seems that more and more people lack the peace part and fall right into the stress part. I cant blame them really. Most people in this day are overworked and under paid..or are paid just right but still have very little self worth for it to be a good thing. Were an age of always seeking and wanting more, bigger and better. Well we think everything will be better. I dare say though that it never really is.
Back to Chirstmas. It started with a tree or perhaps the lack of one...then after having a great night loooking at lights, we decided to get one, a tree. It wasnt going to be a big deal, and we weren t going to decorate it. It was just gonna be a tree in the front room. A fake tree, as we have always had real trees, and I really just didnt want anything from last year to be the same. So friends of ours had one we could borrow and we put it up. It looked alright, a little gloomy I must say. I understand now why we decorate treees. when they sit naked in your front room , them seem to be out of place....as if its wondering why the heck you brought me indoors when your not going to do anything with me. why not just leave me outside. The kids made some funky decorations out of toliet paper rolls. Thats another blog entry in and of itself. the crazy things you can do with toliet paper rolls. There was also some paper rings and things. It added colour I must admit, but still the tree seemed lame. It seemed....sad. But we thought you know what thats just what we are, so thats what we get this year....our tree was just a visual picture of what we were seeing and being inside of our own minds. we were trying to be at peace with that. We were sad, therefore our tree was sad therefore people who came to our house would be sad and would know we were sad. This Christmas was going to be sad. Even when I looked at the tree happy, I would quickly become sad because it reminded me of why there was no decorations. It didnt bring me peace really, it brought more sad. But this is our life now I thought, we have moments of joy but really most things are ....sad.
Then last Sunday , it all changed. Again. What we expected to be a sad holiday over a period of an hour....changed....everything changed again. We went to church like we always do. We sat in our chairs, we worshipped. we sang , we prayed. we cried. I know that I said in my prayers. Lord just get us through. Just please Father, move us through this Christmas....ya ya birth of your son yada yada but um if you dont mind....make it quick.
The sermon was on hope....and once again we sat looking at each other thinking...this was for us. We needed to hear this sermon of hope....we moved our heads in agreement, we said amen...and I concluded....hope , yes thats something I will have...AFTER Christmas. just get through Christmas...then hope will be at the top of my list of things to deal with. But what I forgot was that God doesnt work that way...and God in most cases to teach you lessons doesnt really wait for you to be ready...He just does and waits for your mind to catch up. well sometimes he waits for your mind to catch up.
I stood up and a good friend of mine came up and said, in short ....you might need a box...and are you staying for second service?....not really in that order.....but you get my flow here. I looked confused I am sure, as I am trying to get my head around what she is saying to me. What happened next, as I type this brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. God , through the family of our church, delivered .....hope. He delivered love AND peace . He delivered understanding, care and an immense amount of borrowed strength to get us through the birth of His son without the precense of our own baby daughter. People from our church began to give us packages.....little bags...big bags....wrapped...not wrapped..in envelopes and in tissue paper. We walked out of our church with a box of ornaments. Handmade, store bought, each given to our family as a way to decorate our tree. A way to say....were thinking of you and we love you. In one little turn of events our Christmas changed from one of sadness to one of contentment and love. We rushed home ,a nd started to undo the packages....every single one of them was filled with love and grace....we hung them on our tree and stood back...we all looked at each other....and we smiled....a real smile. We had hope...all of us...in one room at the same time...we had hope. A knowing that now that we knew what it felt like, maybe jsut maybe its a feeling that would visit regularly.....and it has. since that day, things in our house have been different. there is lots of sad....but there is also lots of hope. When I start to feel really down, I look at our tree , and in it I am reminded of not only Gods presence , but also of His grace and His ability to take care of what He loves and what is His. We are sons and daughters of THE KING! we shouldnt forget that and He will take care. If He led you to it , He will lead you through it. He has and He will.
We didnt want to open the ornaments that sit in a layer of dust in a box in the basement because to do that meant to open up last year...and we cant right now. We cant open any boxes in a speed that isnt talked about before hand. Everything at this point is done with deliberate thought and consideration. Unpacking Chrsitmas memories wasnt going to be good for anyone. Instead we were gifted with a tree with new memories. A push down the path into a new normal. A new normal filled with immense amounts of love. When I look at that tree, I know its in celebration of Jesus and His birth but you know I also see OUR birth. I see the start and birth of something new. It hurts....not gonna lie, but its also so incrediably amazing that I cant help but smile. It nmot only changed this Chirstmas for us, but it also has changed my thoughts about Chrsitmas as a whole. It has healed little things inside my heart.
I want to thank everyone who took the time to add a peice of themselves to our tree. Know that God worked through you to help our family. THank you.
Emily-Rose.......Merry Christmas....We love you , our darling baby girl....and know that I am gonna play in some snow this year for you..I am gonna feel the cold. I love you emmy .
Back to Chirstmas. It started with a tree or perhaps the lack of one...then after having a great night loooking at lights, we decided to get one, a tree. It wasnt going to be a big deal, and we weren t going to decorate it. It was just gonna be a tree in the front room. A fake tree, as we have always had real trees, and I really just didnt want anything from last year to be the same. So friends of ours had one we could borrow and we put it up. It looked alright, a little gloomy I must say. I understand now why we decorate treees. when they sit naked in your front room , them seem to be out of place....as if its wondering why the heck you brought me indoors when your not going to do anything with me. why not just leave me outside. The kids made some funky decorations out of toliet paper rolls. Thats another blog entry in and of itself. the crazy things you can do with toliet paper rolls. There was also some paper rings and things. It added colour I must admit, but still the tree seemed lame. It seemed....sad. But we thought you know what thats just what we are, so thats what we get this year....our tree was just a visual picture of what we were seeing and being inside of our own minds. we were trying to be at peace with that. We were sad, therefore our tree was sad therefore people who came to our house would be sad and would know we were sad. This Christmas was going to be sad. Even when I looked at the tree happy, I would quickly become sad because it reminded me of why there was no decorations. It didnt bring me peace really, it brought more sad. But this is our life now I thought, we have moments of joy but really most things are ....sad.
Then last Sunday , it all changed. Again. What we expected to be a sad holiday over a period of an hour....changed....everything changed again. We went to church like we always do. We sat in our chairs, we worshipped. we sang , we prayed. we cried. I know that I said in my prayers. Lord just get us through. Just please Father, move us through this Christmas....ya ya birth of your son yada yada but um if you dont mind....make it quick.
The sermon was on hope....and once again we sat looking at each other thinking...this was for us. We needed to hear this sermon of hope....we moved our heads in agreement, we said amen...and I concluded....hope , yes thats something I will have...AFTER Christmas. just get through Christmas...then hope will be at the top of my list of things to deal with. But what I forgot was that God doesnt work that way...and God in most cases to teach you lessons doesnt really wait for you to be ready...He just does and waits for your mind to catch up. well sometimes he waits for your mind to catch up.
I stood up and a good friend of mine came up and said, in short ....you might need a box...and are you staying for second service?....not really in that order.....but you get my flow here. I looked confused I am sure, as I am trying to get my head around what she is saying to me. What happened next, as I type this brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. God , through the family of our church, delivered .....hope. He delivered love AND peace . He delivered understanding, care and an immense amount of borrowed strength to get us through the birth of His son without the precense of our own baby daughter. People from our church began to give us packages.....little bags...big bags....wrapped...not wrapped..in envelopes and in tissue paper. We walked out of our church with a box of ornaments. Handmade, store bought, each given to our family as a way to decorate our tree. A way to say....were thinking of you and we love you. In one little turn of events our Christmas changed from one of sadness to one of contentment and love. We rushed home ,a nd started to undo the packages....every single one of them was filled with love and grace....we hung them on our tree and stood back...we all looked at each other....and we smiled....a real smile. We had hope...all of us...in one room at the same time...we had hope. A knowing that now that we knew what it felt like, maybe jsut maybe its a feeling that would visit regularly.....and it has. since that day, things in our house have been different. there is lots of sad....but there is also lots of hope. When I start to feel really down, I look at our tree , and in it I am reminded of not only Gods presence , but also of His grace and His ability to take care of what He loves and what is His. We are sons and daughters of THE KING! we shouldnt forget that and He will take care. If He led you to it , He will lead you through it. He has and He will.
We didnt want to open the ornaments that sit in a layer of dust in a box in the basement because to do that meant to open up last year...and we cant right now. We cant open any boxes in a speed that isnt talked about before hand. Everything at this point is done with deliberate thought and consideration. Unpacking Chrsitmas memories wasnt going to be good for anyone. Instead we were gifted with a tree with new memories. A push down the path into a new normal. A new normal filled with immense amounts of love. When I look at that tree, I know its in celebration of Jesus and His birth but you know I also see OUR birth. I see the start and birth of something new. It hurts....not gonna lie, but its also so incrediably amazing that I cant help but smile. It nmot only changed this Chirstmas for us, but it also has changed my thoughts about Chrsitmas as a whole. It has healed little things inside my heart.
I want to thank everyone who took the time to add a peice of themselves to our tree. Know that God worked through you to help our family. THank you.
Emily-Rose.......Merry Christmas....We love you , our darling baby girl....and know that I am gonna play in some snow this year for you..I am gonna feel the cold. I love you emmy .
Wednesday 19 December 2012
Dear Early Morning
Its been awhile since I have seen your face here in this neck of my woods. I must be honest when I say that I have been enjoying my leisurefull mornings without you. Its been amazing for my soul to lay in my bed, asleep and sometimes awake , untill late morning. Listening, Dreaming, bein still. late morning and me just seem to get along alot better these days then you and I do. It wasnt anything you said or did, its just your cold and dark and make my eyes hurt. After settling in with late morning yesterday though, I decided I needed to spend some more time with you early. becuase with the cold and dark you also get words like productive, quiet and still. I find that when I drink my coffee with you early I seem to get more work done, I seem to get more time in a day that already has to little and my time spent with God seems deeper and unmoved. I wonder though if this is simply a friendship fling and tommorow late and I willl be tight again or if this is something I can stick to ....this thing with me and you. Before Emilys accident...this time with you was also hers. It makes me not so much a fan because of the connection you have with her. early she loved you more then any other, and definitly deeper then I will ever be able to. It makes you also have words like sad, fear, lonley. I am not sure I want to get back to this "normal" early morning. But without you early, things just dont seem to get done. without you early, "normal" things are left unclaimed, unfinished, empty. yet with you early, what use to be moments of joy, feel lonely and disconnected.
Dearest early morning, be gentle with my body and ease softly with my soul. I will try and learn to love you again, but if I dont.....the guilt would be nice left unsaid. my alarm beeps in the stillness and I wonder why I am even attempting a relationship with you early. I really seem to think its a waste of time in most moments. But then I remind myself that after I spend a little more time with you, after I enjoy your company for what it is ....you will feel better to not see late so much. Maybe.
Sincerly
Sarah
Dearest early morning, be gentle with my body and ease softly with my soul. I will try and learn to love you again, but if I dont.....the guilt would be nice left unsaid. my alarm beeps in the stillness and I wonder why I am even attempting a relationship with you early. I really seem to think its a waste of time in most moments. But then I remind myself that after I spend a little more time with you, after I enjoy your company for what it is ....you will feel better to not see late so much. Maybe.
Sincerly
Sarah
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