Wow...I keep looking at the date of 2013 and think what in the world. It feels like only yesterday it was 1997 and I was becoming a mama for the first time. I was scared , lonely and really had no idea what my life was going to be. I dont even think I knew at that point what I wanted it to be. In 1997 I was 18yo and terrified. I was going to be a mom weither I was ready to or not. Now that littel boy that made me a mama is going to turn 16 this year. Ouch.
That journey isnt what I wanted to write about today though. To many tears have been shed recently and I dont want to shed more for something else at this point.....Tyler turning 16 will come along sooner then I can even imagine, no need to rush into those tears. Noooo Thank you.
Every year I have made resolutions. Every year when the clock strikes midnight or when I wake up the next morning....there are new rules I have made for myself that I need to follow. This year looked like it was going to be some more of the same. You know the same ones that everyone seems to make...gonna work out, gonna lose the fat (not sure where I expected to lose it though) , gonna gonna gonna. And then in the few weeks it takes me to fail miserably at it, I feel like a big epic failure and convince myself that I will always fail. I have never ever stayed on board with resolutions made on NYE. Mostly cuz they ALL almost always SUCK and they almost always mean I cant eat dessert or bread...also not on my success list.
This year , I started doing the same things. I had my gonnas started in my head well before NYE even came about. I think its funny you know that we all magically think that at midnight at the change of the year our want for chips will some how change or the fact that we emotionally eat will somehow be different or we will somehow like people we didnt before.. Its hard too because our consumer like mind sees and feels all the manipulated messages we are sent the week leading into NYE and the week following by our all trusting advertising people. They know us better then we know ourselves and this really echoed in my head this year. I went to a store to buy a box of chocolates , and where I picked some up was in the "Christmas isle" but as Christmas was over and we were moving into New Years, they were moving the chocolate out and the health food /equipment in. I think this time of year is the only time of year you can buy a blender and discount chocolate on the same shelf. So weird.
As I was making "the list" this year though , God really started speaking to me . He really started to point out some hard truths to me. Truths like, if you listen to me you will be where you need and want to be. The idea of listening kept echoing and echoing , over and over in all my prayer time.Words like obedience , self-sufficiency, sustainability, in it for the long haul, and open your eyes and ears. I began to realize that there were some issues in my life , that I needed to think on. issues that couldn't be resolved with resolutions . issues that no amount of commitment would make things change for, no matter how many lists I make. No matter how many times I say I am going to lose weight (or whatever) on NYE, if I dont know the way to get there...then I am not going to make it very far. If I dont have the drive and the answer to why , then its just another rule that I am making on myself. Another law that I dont have any reason behind.
If there is something worth doing, and it was something that was driven by God, then it doesnt matter the time of year . If I wanted to accomplish it , really wanted to and it was inspired by God, even weight loss...then really I would . I dont need a clock to tell me it was time.
What I need is eyes to see and ears to hear and go in the direction that God has already called me to. My thoughts about resolutions quickly turned into a question....a question I knew had been brewing for awhile....are you listening? Did you listen? Are you living already the life that God has layed out. Are you putting off what you really should be doing in exchange for things that you know you shouldn't. The answer for me was No and yes.
Since Emily's accident I have fallen away from most of the things that I or rather we had been called to. We had been called to a simple plain life even before we became Christian. We were gifted this place, it was an answer to prayer even though we didnt know at the time who we were praying to. My husband and I have felt drawn to a homemade holistic life since we were both teenagers. In fact part of the reason we got together was because we both wanted the same things....to live off the land and to live in simplicity in a culture that demands complexity. We wanted to live differently and with a wholeness that we had not seen in our own childhoods. We wanted to be whole, healthy and of the earth. We wanted to make our own clothes and be able to live separate from the world. We wanted to be sufficient in and of ourselves. We wanted to raise children that were full of peace and a respect for the things in life that were important. We didnt want to be part of the consumer culture. When we bought this place we had a five year plan. Then last November when we were baptised, we started to questions things again. I began to cover and wear modest and mostly handmade clothing...we were moving closer and closer to where we thought we were suppose to be. We were living our handmade life and really loving it. One big thing had changed then though from five years ago was that we wanted to make this life not only for our selves but also to minister to others and to supply others with wholesome food and advice. help other people get to simplicity. Before though we helped other people, it wasnt a focus. Now our goal was the same, but the application was different. Thank you God.
As we were working closer to where we wanted to be and where we knew God was leading us to be , Emilys accident 5 months ago sent everything into a tailspin....I took my cover off, we really were grabbing at straws to get comfortable (and still are in a way) and began to just try and fit in with everyone and everything else around us. Well I did. I stopped cooking meals, I stopped being content with what we had, I stopped seeing the grace and the gifts around me. I even started to think that we needed to move. Sell this house and move to a place in town , start over. I put on a mask . Whatever our life was before emmys accident , I wanted nothing to do with it. I started playing video games I hadnt played before, I pulled away from certain relationships that reminded me of my mindset before. We were new, and we needed to create something different then I was...before. Its almost as if we have a before we were Christian life and after Christian life but also within that we have a Before Emmy died life and After Emmy died life. It was a odd mindset, and I think it had everthing to do with the reminders that we were the parents of a little girl that was no longer there with us. She is no longer here, and that fact is hard to swallow. I trust Christ, and I know that whatever the reasons, He will see us through....but that doesnt make the fact that my arms still ache for her presence any easier nor that she really truly isnt coming back that much clearer.
I was being sent little reminders of our past life and I would quickly push them aside and think ,that was then. This is now. We aren't those people. The problem is , that God NEVER lets up. At least in my experience, when He wants something from you or in you, He pushes and pushes till you do it . He has the lesson thrown at you over and over until you learn it. He doesn't just let it go. For this I am forever grateful. I needed the reminders.
SO as I approached NYE and a range of possibilities of change popped into my head...I realised that the majority of my discontent and my need of change was because I had thrown away the life I had already been so close to grasping. The life that God had gifted me with and I in one swoop of disobedience and time of trouble , thew it away. I stopped listening because I thought I didn't have to . Something in my head said, you gave the ultimate sacrifice....you need not give more. Some of things I want are things like, make more things, grow more things, simplicity, spend less, talk more, write more, spend more time , be green conscious, walk more, be a steward to all things (money, children, home and church), show modesty in dress and in voice , respect my husband and his needs, cook more , shop less, eat healthy homegrown, listen with more patience and grace, talk less, be kind, dont judge, be still, enjoy the quiet, get up early, be well , be yourself but in Gods eyes, be pure, be obedient , dont manipulate....anything, be honest, humble yourself, have self control in body , mouth and soul, watch your pride and most of all spend time with God. I had these things, I was working towards these things and then I fell. I stopped listening, and I started searching for the grey areas, like books, music and games. When once I questioned should I , I began to question why shouldn't I, why cant I... Which is a very different question.
I think New Years is a great time to refocus and to change. I think today is a great time to refocus and change...I think when you wake, when you sleep, when you eat, when you shower , when you sing , when you work, dance, cry, walk or sit in quiet is a great time to refocus and change. I think Now is an awesome time to refocus and change and to listen to the path that our amazing God ahs laid before you, even if its different then the path of others. In every moment we make a choice. In every move, we are making a choice. We are given the choice.
I am making a commitment to self, to listen. I am ready to get picked back up and start living again the life I was so ready to toss to the side..... I am ready to be in this place.....to be proud of my calling and to help others that feel the same. I am ready.
I dont have new years resolutions, but I do have a Jan 8th thought, I am going to listen.
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