2013

So today we wake to a new year. Its odd...isnt it really? that every year this has happened and yet...every year I am surprised. This last year has been a crazy one. 2012 has been stock full of change. Good, Bad, and the in between. It has been filled with heart matters, and things that have changed the very essence of who and what I am. This year was a year of growth, birth, death and rebirth. Its hard to think only of the bad things because really there have been alot of good things. My husband became a Christian this year and really started leading this family. He was always a leader, but not of us and not with Christ directing the wheel. Now, he does and now he has Christ. Our children also committed themselves to Christ. Pur oldest even getting baptised. In fact myself, my husband and my oldest all were baptised this year. I was also married. Something I have always wanted...and now .... I am a married woman. We have met people who have changed our lives, we have become part of a Church family. We have changed. Also in this year unfortunately we loss our emily-rose. A little girl that was pretty much the very core of our family. We surrounded her love, and she soaked it in. I would have it no other way.
My brain and my heart are confused, because as we rang in the new year I wanted to be sad. I wanted to roll into a ball and cry. I wanted t o beg for a redo and change how things worked out. I wanted the get out o jail free card. I wanted to go back and not buy a pool, not move to our farm and really just change the whole entire year. My first feeling was to grieve. To grieve all the horrible loss .... but I didn't. Because as I began to cry...the tears rolling down my face...I looked around. I have been blessed.  I....AM....BLESSED.
My four surviving children are amazing, thoughtful , caring, smart and they love me and I them with a depth that no one deserves and part of the reason that I can identify that depth is because of our loss. I didnt know the depth of pain that you can feel as a human being, but after experiencing the depth of loss, I now have a  deeper appreciating for the depth of love. You cant lose if you dont love and you cant love if you dont know loss. I am blessed.
I think of our walk with Christ and my oldest son and husband being baptised. Before our loss our oldest son was an athesis...now....on his own demand , he is a Christian. Not just in theory. But a Christian who wants to live a Christian life. His  coming to Christ was in direct response to our loss. I am so blessed.
I look at our family, whose dynamic has changed in a way I pray most do not ever have to experience. Its a club I wish I was not involved in. But even there , even in that missing person from our family..that hole....we have become closer and deeper then we ever have been. We cry with each other, but we also laugh with each other. We trust each other with our emotions because when everything went downhill we had no choice....I am Blessed.
I think of our church family....how they have instilled in me a hope....a hope for people. A hope that I am worth being treated well. A hope that I know that no matter what happens, we will always be fed, we will always be treated with respect and we will never again be left in the cold. A hope that I will be able to be there for someone else as deep and as high as the people from our church have been there for us. They have surrounded us with love and a depth of friendship that I have not known. They have taught me that I dont have to be anything but myself. I am blessed.
I look to my home, my farm, my community. They too came through for us, and I care for them. I looked to them and they came through. We have a good community and I have learned that just because you dont see everyone everyday, there is care there and we look after each other.We will be there if asked. I am so blessed.
I think of our health .... and the health of our children. We have been blessed.
I look around to my life, and the ability to stay home with my children. If I had had to work outside the home , this year would have been very different. I would have had regrets if someone else had gotten to spend the time that I did with emmy and my other children. But because I have been blessed to be able to stay home, I have no regrets. I am so blessed.
There are so many things that were amazing this year...Emily-Rose went home to our creator, but alot of things that I am thankful for are directly related to that event. Does it make it easier to swallow and can I say that I am thankful for it. No. But because of this there is a confusion in my heart that is hard to understand because I really do want to say 2012 get out of here....you were horrible. But was it? really? no it wasnt. with death there is birth and with pain there is joy.I cant say it was all bad. The bad was huge, but the good was also huge.
I urge you in 2013,,,,have no regrets. You will see your storm, in your life storms will come and for alll of us, the storms will be different so you cannot prepare. But you can build your life on a rock...and you can prepare yourself to not look back with regret. When things go bad, make sure there are good things to tap into. No regrets.
Happy day one of 2013. I am ready for my new normal. are you?