small packages

Wow. God has shown me alot this week. I have been meaning to update for a few days, but of course it was crazy.  It pretty much all started with a tree....our Chrsitmas season started there. We werent going to have a tree last week. This Christmas just wasnt feeling festive to anyone of else and we all were very nervous going in. Nervous that if we unpacked anything that has been away or we started to look for things we couldnt find, it would open a huge box of pain and memories that none of us really wanted to contend with. On top of it all, I have never been a Christmas person. I have never reallly enjoyed it. The shopping, the mess, the busy, all of it seemed nuts to me. I enjoy the family get togthers, love and peace that can be found this time of year. but it seems that more and more people lack the peace part and fall right into the stress part. I cant blame them really. Most people in this day are overworked and under paid..or are paid just right but still have very little self worth for it to be a good thing. Were an age of always seeking and wanting more, bigger and better. Well we think everything will be better. I dare say though that it never really is.
Back to Chirstmas. It started with a  tree or perhaps the lack of one...then after having a great night loooking at lights, we decided to get one, a tree. It wasnt going to be a big deal, and we weren t going to decorate it. It was just gonna be a tree in the front room. A fake tree, as we have always had real trees, and I really just didnt want anything from last year to be the same. So friends of ours had one we could borrow and we put it up. It looked alright, a little gloomy I must say. I understand now why we decorate treees. when they sit naked in your front room , them seem to be out of place....as if  its wondering why the heck you brought me indoors when your not going to do anything with me. why not just leave me outside. The kids made some funky decorations out of toliet paper rolls. Thats another blog entry in and of itself. the crazy things you can do with toliet paper rolls. There was also some paper rings and things. It added colour I must admit, but still the tree seemed lame. It seemed....sad. But we thought you know what thats just what we are, so thats what we get this year....our tree was just a visual picture of what we were seeing and being inside of our own minds. we were trying to be at peace with that. We were sad, therefore our tree was sad therefore people who came to our house would be sad and would know we were sad. This Christmas was going to be sad.  Even when I looked at the tree happy,  I would quickly become sad because it reminded me of why there was no decorations. It didnt bring me peace really, it brought more sad. But this is our life now I thought, we have moments of joy but really most things are ....sad.
Then last Sunday , it all changed. Again. What we expected to be a sad holiday over a period of an hour....changed....everything changed again. We went to church like we always do. We sat in our chairs, we worshipped. we sang , we prayed. we cried. I know that I said in my prayers. Lord just get us through. Just please Father, move us through this Christmas....ya ya birth of your son yada yada but um if you dont mind....make it quick.
The sermon was on hope....and once again we sat looking at each other thinking...this was for us. We needed to hear this sermon of hope....we moved our heads in agreement, we said amen...and I concluded....hope , yes thats something I will have...AFTER Christmas. just get through Christmas...then hope will be at the top of my list of things to deal with. But what I forgot was that God doesnt work that way...and God in most cases to teach you lessons doesnt really wait for you to be ready...He just does and waits for your mind to catch up. well sometimes he waits for your mind to catch up.
I stood up and a good friend of mine came up and said, in short ....you might need a box...and are you staying for second service?....not really in that order.....but you get my flow here. I looked confused I am sure, as I am trying to get my head around what she is saying to me. What happened next, as I type this brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. God , through the family of our church, delivered .....hope. He delivered love AND peace . He delivered understanding, care and an immense amount of borrowed strength to get us through the birth of His son without the precense of our own baby daughter. People from our church began to give us packages.....little bags...big bags....wrapped...not wrapped..in envelopes and in tissue paper.  We walked out of our church with a box of ornaments. Handmade, store bought, each given to our family as a way to decorate our tree.  A way to say....were thinking of you and we love you. In one little turn of events our Christmas changed from one of sadness to one of contentment and love. We rushed home ,a nd started to undo the packages....every single one of them was filled with love and grace....we hung them on our tree and stood back...we all looked at each other....and we smiled....a real smile.  We had hope...all of us...in one room at the same time...we had hope. A knowing that now that we knew what it felt like, maybe jsut maybe its a feeling that would visit regularly.....and it has. since that day, things in our house have been different. there is lots of sad....but there is also lots of hope. When I start to feel really down, I look at our tree , and in it I am reminded of not only Gods presence , but also of His grace and His ability to take care of what He loves and what is His. We are sons and daughters of THE KING! we shouldnt forget that and He will take care. If He led you to it , He will lead you through it. He has and He will. 
We didnt want to open the ornaments that sit in a layer of dust in a box in the basement because to do that meant to open up last year...and we cant right now. We cant open any boxes in a speed that isnt talked about before hand. Everything at this point is done with deliberate thought and consideration.  Unpacking Chrsitmas memories wasnt going to be good for anyone. Instead we were gifted with a tree with new memories. A push down the path into a new normal. A new normal filled with immense amounts of love.  When I look at that tree, I know its in celebration of Jesus and His birth but you know I also see OUR birth. I see the start and birth of something new. It hurts....not gonna lie, but its also so incrediably amazing that I cant help but smile. It nmot only changed this Chirstmas for us, but it also has changed my thoughts about Chrsitmas as a whole. It has healed little things inside my heart.
I want to thank everyone who took the time to add a peice of themselves to our tree. Know that God worked through you to help our family. THank you.
Emily-Rose.......Merry Christmas....We love you , our darling baby girl....and know that I am gonna play in some snow this year for you..I am gonna feel the cold. I love you emmy .