winter beauty

we went for the most amazing walk today.....after the phone call from the dentist (see earlier post) I was feeling pretty down so I decided to go for a walk through our woods. It was amazing and I haven't done that for a very long time , I had forgotten how amazing our property is and why we had moved here in the first place. Its been a crazy couple of years here, I have to admit. From different roomates and their drama to sickness to faith to death to birth. We have experienced pretty much every kind of high stress stuff here...its been insane. It seems for the last five years since buying this farm if it wasnt one thing , it was another. Its sucked , I have to say . When emmy died here , I have to admit it was like the straw that broke my back. I was done here and really wanted to move. Yes I love the idea of farming, of living off the land and I love being able to take care of myself. but as of late there has been a peice of me saying...not me, not now. I am done. I thought I wanted my simple life back..trade in the simple life here for the simpler life in the city. That's funny. In an attempt to live a simpler plainer life, our life got a heck of alot more complex.  I thought I wanted to trade it all in, get rid of the memories and the work. Go somewhere busy where I can hide from all the 'stuff" I have to deal with. However in walking through our woods today with my amazing children , I realised that this here, this place , its where I belong.
I have changed alot from the person I was , and I dont think I will ever be the same. I dont want to be the same, but part of that is embracing the things that are here , in this moment and some of that is painful for us right now.
I have an idea of where and who I want to be. I have seen in bits where God is leading us , and here is part of that puzzle. Emily died here , yes. but she was born here too. My children have made a home here. We have made a life here. Our dreams are here. Here is part of our story. leaving here doesn't change that. We have been through alot here , good and bad,  but we cant hide from any of it.
I want to live a life that is calm...a life that is about sustaining ourselves and with God emotionally, spiritually and physically ....this place ....here....is the only place we could ever do that.  This place with its broken bits is perfect for us with our broken bits.
deep breaths......we  are here for a short time and this is not our home,  take the time to smell the roses....to feel the cold...to walk, to breath , to enjoy.