New shoes and 180 days.

Hm Wow...God works in ways that one can never be sure of. In fact, pretty much I have found that if you expect something , the opposite is bound to happen. This morning was another one of those mornings.  I come with it here, because here is where I have been working through some of my stuff. Here is where God has given me a place to make some things more clear. I have discovered that writing is a tool of healing for me. I am trying to embrace it, even when sometimes it comes through tears and inability to see what I am writing because of those tears. Anyway...
I have been having a lot of issues sleeping.
If I am honest, which I am going to be, I have always had a huge issue with sleep. Before Emilys accident I was often wondering the house 2, 3 , 4 am. Just unable to get my mind to rest. If something happened through the day that I was unsure of , or that hurt me , harmed me or even made my happy. My brain would welcome it at night. Now I have no problem getting tired. I am tired alot..lol. no problem going into bed..love my bed. My problem is getting to sleep and staying asleep. If getting to sleep goes well at first , then most nights and some time I will wake and wont be able to get back to sleep. even though my eyes burn from being so tired. I just cannot shut off my brain , I think to much I guess. I roll things over , and over and over. On top of the sleeping issues I haev , my husband has equal sleeping problems. The huge difference there though is that his sleep problems effect only me, his snoring, and he hardly notices the fact that he does it...so in fact, he doesn't have a problem at all. I do. If I am having a good night and actually feeling my body roll into sleep, just about the time I fade into sleeping bliss...the snoring starts. wakes me up and I start the process of settling my brain all over again. I am not sure why I brought this up, other then for the fact that since Emily-Roses death my sleeping issues are worse. I now not only cant turn off my brain from thinking, I also in the silence of the night cant help but look for her.  I dont mean in the sence of hide and seek. I am not going mental in that way. But I mean in my mind. I am constantly reliving moments with her, good and bad, so that I never forget who and where she was . To remember every night that she really was here. It doesn't make for a good sleep as I am sure you can imagine. Alas my sleeping issues have really nothing to do with what God had me working through this morning. But I guess in part its part of the story. My story.
We are a homeschooling family, been so for 15 years. We love it. With its challenges and rewards. Both of which are present. But really I would choose no other life. I love the chance it gives me to connect not only with each of my children but also with myself and my husband. I love it. It gi ves us a chance to really get to know our children and to watch them grow and explore things that if they were in public school we would have missed . It is a perfect fit with my family. I am thankful for it. Homeschooling is part of our 'normal" day to day life. Its part of who we are, before emmy died and even now....after.
However this morning , where this story begins and what God has driven home for me today is my definition of normal . My definition of where and what I should be right now....today after almost 4 months of burying our child.
I have been in such a rush to get back to normal, that I have missed a few lessons that God had for me along the way. He hasn't made them known yet, but He has started the process.
When a child dies, welll when anyone dies but especially someone young, I have realised that no one knows exactly what to say to you.They cant say their in a better place, even though they are, because really a healthy 2 year olds world in a loving family wasnt that bad. They cant say its a blessing. They cant say that its all part of the cycle, though it is. Everything you have leaned to say at times of death, just dont seem to fit when its a baby. A little tiny bundle who hasnt come out of the blessing phase. When children are born we say, oh what a blessing, but what do you say when only 2 years ago something called a blessing is dead. something that was and is a blessing is gone. There is nothing to say. As much as there is nothing to say , there is also nothing to do. There is nothing that I nor you can do to take away the pain, that's Gods work, and were fooling ourselves if we think we can fix it. We cant . Only God can do that , and he does, in his time , with his look and his grace. We only have to have patience and wait on it . It will come.
I was so eager to get back to normal. To have a cleaned house. Even a few days ago I was sitting here wondering , how do I get a clean house, why wont my house stay clean. Why wont my kids clean up after themselves? Why are things always so dirty? I was really letting these thoughts take over everything . What does my new life look like? how do we act now? how do we homeschool? what do I do with my free time? Are my kids adjusting, quick get the chore charts running. I need to lose weight. I need to look the part, together. I need to be peace. How do get my life back together, in order ....get order in the house...order means together...order means were ok. Knowing what to expect is safe. Safe means that I never really have to deal with the fact that in this big full house....were all empty.  If I dont have to acknowledge that were broken, if everything is functioning and is "normal" then I dont really have to truly acknowledge that fact that my daughter is dead. Their sister is dead. Their granddaughter is dead. Emily-Rose is gone, away. She will never be here  , in this place....again.
If I am busy getting normal right, I don't have to think about the fact that I never had normal to begin with. If I am busy being busy, then I don't need to ever really feel what quiet is without a toddler running around. I am not ready to not have a toddler around. Be busy...fill your life...get back to normal.  God pointed out to me this morning, that getting back to "normal" is not normal.
Emily-Rose dying is not normal. no one has the words to say because there are no words to say. I was trying to get to something that I needed to step far away from. I was fighting against a grain to accomplish something that was not fit to accomplish....yet.  It feels like when your wearing shoes that are too big for you, or pants that are to long. You put them on, and you could make everything look alright in certain light or directions, but as soon as you walk...you call. you trip and it hurts...but ...you can get back up , pull the shoes, the pants back on and try again. The funny thing about God is that he doesn't stop you falling on your face, but he does help you back up so that you can choose to try again in the same shoes and walk slower , or  get smaller shoes.
I dont really have the choose to get smaller shoes. These shoes, though I wouldn't choose the size, were gifted to me from a Father so amazing that I cant possibly give them back. Plus they didn't come with a gift receipt, I asked for one and was declined, so I am stuck with my shoes. so are you. Maybe your shoes are bigger then what you would like, or smaller...but their yours. We have to figure out how to walk in the shoes we have, not in the shoes we want. I dont want these shoes, and I certainly wouldn't give them to anyone else either...but their mine.
I have realised that its not about getting "back to normal" . My normal isnt the same as what it was, it will never be like it was. I dont think its about being normal anyway, its about living today like its your last day and letting God lead you in the direction that he sees fit on THAT day. As THAT moment passes. The day we are born, we all begin to die. We are all dying, how are you living as a dying person?   I have realised that in my rush to get back to normal, I just keep trying to walk in shoes that are to big.  I have been trying to walk in shoes to big for a long time now....years perhaps....emmys death only made my shoes bigger and the fall harder. God keeps picking me up, and brushing off the bruises, but really I think I would rather not fall so much. I would rather learn to walk in these new shoes I was given.
My mission and task is simple. I am taking 180 days. I am taking 180 days figuring out how to walk in my new shoes. Will it be all better at the end? no probably not. Will I still fall? I hope so cuz its when I am down on my knees I learn the most. But maybe, just maybe, I will fall less and see more. shuffle less and step out more. Be less normal and more myself. My family and I are taking 180 days to learn , to heal, to be together, to walk the walk, to write, to read, to run, to dance, to cry, to laugh , to wander around at 2am and sleep till noon. To be closer to God and to be open to listening to him and be with him in whatever capacity he meets us in.  180 days to do whatever it is were pulled to do to heal  and to see . We wont be having formal school, were not going to have the charts....were just gonna live and see where God takes us. See if we can see what our new shoes look like through Gods eyes. Trusting that He will bring us through...His grace , His peace, His walk is enough...
Blessings you all, hold on tight. Were commiting 180 days to living and see where we end up.
Sarah

The First snow fall and the cleaning of the closet

The cleaning of the closet. When I think of this term I will be honest my head goes right to an old enieniem song. I don't think that's spelt right, but I am not even going to bother looking it up. That song, as well as many others are little tidbits of things that I wish I could just see gone away from my past. But unfortunately once some things are seen or heard they can not be unheard. Lots of things , habits and the like , can be unlearn ed, but there is something about our minds that really stick to images. Once their in there, they dont seem to go away. Even though I want the song  and the words this very white very trashy rapper uses to describe things within the song to leave my thought processes.  The content and the meaning I don't really want to. Because today as I "cleaned out my closet" alot of his truths rang true with my truths. You see the closet I choose to clean up or out today was our winter closet...now this thing has been sitting among itself for almost a year...actually probably a year to the week because it only contains things like jackets, mitts, leggings...you know the things that one only uses in the winter hence the name winter closet. I started this process today because the winter closet in our home is situated right off wht we call the fire room. Now this is not a room of sin or brimstone, it is cleverly named fire room because this is where we have our woodstove that heats our entire home. We have yet the need to clean this room out as of yet because we haven't had a need for a fire, nor the time to clean out the room. Today was the day. It was a daunting task , I gotta say, but something that just had to be done. I looked into this room from the stairs and I must admit I groaned. It has been the catch all room for almost a year. It has caught dishes we don't need, clothes that are tooo small , computer games we don't use and even sleeping bags. Not sure where some of the things came from, but alas they were there. I even found half a broken floor fan underneath the rubble but that's another story.
I started to pull apart things and about 10 mins in , I realised that this was going to be harder then I thought. Not because the work load was bigger, but because this cleaning out of this closet was littered with Emily-Roses belongings. First sitting outside the door as if it was placed there on purpose was her teddy bear...well truth be told its Ashleighs teddy, but Emily hijacked it shortly after Ashleigh received it because when you press the hand it laughs.  I press the hand and my eyes well up. Its almost as if the bear no longer giggles like the bear use to...high pitched annoying cry...instead it sounds very close to what I remember Emilys laugh to be., sweet and right from the tummy. I feel my eyes well up as I turn it over and look at the tag. Emily- Rose had a thing for tags. It didn't really matter what the stuffy looked like , as long as there was a tag. This tag on this bear is stiff. stiff from her. She would softly pull it between her fingers. This tag on this bear is laced with old chocolate.  I softly laugh  as tears run down my face and I allow my mind to go to THAT place...you know the, I wonder what shes doing now place, and I wonder when she touched this last place.  I try to stay away from those places....most of the time. Today..I decided...well were cleaning out the closet.  I call up to Ash and ask her if she wants it ,the bear...she comes down and I see her look to me and then to it. "Its not really my bear anymore" . I think for a min and ask, "well maybe I can wash it?" I toss it to my oldest daughter. her reply simply.  "You cant really wash it , I like it dirty and this kind of dirt doesn't really come out" . She took that bear in her arms and she went upstairs. I stood watching her , and thought , this kind of dirt doesn't really come out... you know shes right. No amount of anything would take the feelings that that bear holds for her, for me, and for Emily-Rose. We'll just leave it dirty.Ash doesn't see the dirt anyway , she sees so many other things now, though once when Emmy was still her she complained about the dirt. She saw the dirt for dirt and not for what it really was .  From now on we'll just embrace the dirt , and understand it for what it is.. Its alot like that with alot of things . Our dirt though sometimes looks bad, and stained and dishevelled and even sometimes smelly. It really makes us who we are. We are our dirt. We are where we came from , not just where we are going. When I look at that bear  , I don't see dirt now. I see Emily-Rose rubbing that tag between her tiny little fingers, I see her pushing that hand and giggling cuz it giggled, I see chocolate, something she loved immensely. I see how much I miss my little girl. I feel how empty my arms feel every day, without her in them. I don't see dirt , I see many hours spent in bliss. I see a companion that stayed with her through the night and cuddled her when I wasn't there. I see bits of who Emily-Rose was here on this earth and I long for it.  I ache for it
I sit for a min and feel it. I feel the loss and I think dare I open the closet? I mean really. When you start on something like this, are you able to hold up the white flag, and say whooaaaa....Can you stop once you start?  I shake my head and stand....I open the door and I start to clean. I  pull out all sortf of things that have gathered there. I pull out belongings that dont know what happened. They were put there when we were a whole family. These coats were put there when Emily -rose was here to help. Shes not now and it feels empty. I come across her little mitts, her toque that was too big last year but would have been perfect this year...her little snowpants...She never got to play in the snow. Last year she was so small that we would walk around the property, but she didn't play in it. I wanted to see her play in snow. Last year I was so excited for this year , that I forgot to respect and see last year. Last year when I was sitting out in the snow with her instead of enjoying that moment , I was saying "this is fun but you just wait till next year when you can actually play". Next year didn't come. . I regret not just being present last year in last year. 
Its painful, I wont lie. It hurts. When I am pulling this all apart...as I sit here now. I stand before you tear stained and hurting. I am hurting. Life is not rainbows and love for me at moments like these when all you really want is one more moment . one more moment to show someone who is no longer that they will be yours forever. But in this moment that's not possible. In this moment we have to find comfort in the loss. We have to know that what we think is ours isnt. Nothing is really ours, were gifted them for a moment....but really? their not ours. Our children,  our home, our life...everyone and everything among us is a gift , a gift that is given and can be taken away. I hold her mitt and I breath it in , I cherish that emily-rose was part of one of my moments, That I was given even a chance to embrace her. If God had said last winter that this is your last winter with her, I would take it. Anything , everything, I would take it.  I would say ok, and I would carry on. I suppose that's why people say live for today, you never do know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know when people are going to die, but I also don't want to live like there is always tomorrow. There isn't.
I hold her mitt and think , yep I would have had to buy her new ones. Her hand is definitely bigger. I would buy her pink ones though, cuz pink was her favourite colour.She didn't much like purple.
I put the mitts in the bag, along with so many other things and I think you know this is all loss. Its not the same but its loss. I am putting clothing in the bag from last winter that was my other childrens. They have grown too. Their no longer babies, they are bigger and have grown away from me as well. They are still present, I can still hold them and feel their warmth, but their not who they use to be. Maybe its all the same . I cant hold Emmy right now, but shes with me, shes a part of this family and one day I will see her again , face to face.  Emily-Rose has just grown a little quicker then my other children. She has moved on to bigger , better things. She is not gone , she is away. I imagine for a second that God sees us in this way as well. We are His children and though he cannot touch us in the same way as our earthly Father, he stilll loves us and cares for us and looks forward to the day that he too will be able to touch us. He comforts us in so many ways, but I imagine Him longing for a hug.
I continue to clean out the closet, dust balls flying, emotions dripping from cuts that aren't quite healed .and probably never will be and I am thankful. I am thankful for a closet full of coats and warmth , I am thankful that I am a mother . I am thankful for little mitts and teddy bears with belly laughs. I am thankful for the absence of fear.
"God is our refuge and strength , an ever present help in trouble . Therefore we will not fear" - psalm 46:1
Even here , in this place, I am comforted.
As I finished the closet and got everything put away nicely, and made a mental list of all the things I had left to get the kids ready for winter. I hear a squeal of delight from upstairs.
"MOMOMMOMOMMOM MOMMMMMMMMMMMM. You never believe what is happening?!"
I run upstairs to look out my front window, and there the snow of a new season starts to fall and blow. Our first real snowfall. Beautiful.  Its coming down just as I finish putting together pairs of coats with snowpants and th e kids are screaming "can we can we can we". I say "absolutely , in the CLEANED winter closet, all your things are laid out". I look out the window as my joy filled children run amongst the flakes, and I think wow....you know cleaning out that closet sucked. It hurt , it pulled...BUT...it got the things ready for them and for me to go play amongst the flakes. So worth it. This journey ..hurts...it sucks...it plugs your nose with crap...BUT its worth it, because at the end of the day...we have a God of love. Everything from Him is from love, and he will not let us fall. Awesome.  So ya I cleaned out my closet, but I certainly didnt say any f words or grahb my crotch AND it still got done!